Hi - New to SANE

Good morning, @Dew3

I can see how your earlier experiences with your mum, and the pain with your adult child could easily get mixed up in what you are going through now. Agree that it is not at all uncommon for young adults to spend little time with parents as they experience a freedom not known before and an impulse to start living life on their own terms. You are right, this is the place to write things that may seem a drag to people who are not going through big mental health struggles. Most of us here probably just find it a relief to know we are not alone in what we go through.

Hope your day is one of the better ones for you.

One technical forum tip, @Dew3: if you are talking to someone on the forum, they will be notified of that if you add a tag of their name. To do this, just type the @ symbol and a little menu will come up for you to find names. For example, if you were to tag all of us you have replied to in this thread, it would look like this: @Mazarita @SJT63 @Last-Lament @Faith-and-Hope @Appleblossom

Thanks @Mazarita

@Last-Lament @SJT63 @Dew3

We all make our decisions based on what we know and what we encounter. Life is different for different generations as well as areas, class and countries of origin. For me, I saw a lot of alcoholic acting out, which put me off drinking. I did not belong to the groups that were drinking, so it was not that hard not to drink too much. Does that make me a better or worse person? Regret can be hard or just a gentl memory that we might have done things differently. Sometimes we need to reflect and change behaviour, but ... nobody else was walking in our shoes at the time....

@Faith-and-Hope comment of art as therapy is my way of surviving and living my own life. We all need to find those activities and ways of being that bring out our interest and creative sides ... need not specifically be art.

Too right @Appleblossom ...,, substitute:

Gardening is therapy

Music is therapy

Knitting is therapy

Sailing is therapy

Walking is therapy ....,,

❤️

@Dew3 @Mazarita @Last-Lament @SJT63

@Appleblossom

Hi and thanks for sharing in your reply.

You said you have made an altar for your daughter? Please excuse me if I have not read correctly from another reply? Is your daughter still here or did she pass?

@Dew3

My daughter is still alive, but because people do get confused and scared about life and death and vulnerability, guilt and blame and get them all jumbled up, I have been very isolated. I seem to have been blamed for others deaths and so that is used an excuse to cancel and cut me off.

I have not seen her in years, but will always love her. Reaching out compulsively seemed to make things worse and she has become stubborn but unaware of the manipulations. Last year I was sorting through stuff my son left behind and set up shelving with music and cds and then put her bits and pieces above it, as a homage to her. My son tells me I am out of date, as cds are no longer in, but anyway. It looks good and is in my main room. I gathered together different things from when she was young. I have to face the fact it is what it is, but not internalise as really my due. I get many "signs" now that a lot was way beyond my control.

When I read stories here and elsewhere on the web. I know I did so much for my family, siblings, children and my own mother. I would never have dreamed of cutting anyone off, and coped a lot of other people's bad behaviour, but it is an unfortunate and not unusual attitude of these times. I did briefly join a couple of fb groups dedicated to the issues. I am slowly slowly learning NOT to take it all personally. It is sad. She will never get those years back and it contributes to general fragmentation of families. I dont want to go into it all more than I have atm.

Hope you find a way to come to terms with your own circumstances.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vryfk4m-kf0

I'm glad people are sharing their experiences here, it makes me feel less alone in this unbearable situation, so thank you @Appleblossom @Dew3 @Faith-and-Hope @Mazarita @SJT63

The lead up to the estrangements we experience are all different. I keep typing and deleting - I'm afraid to say too much, and then tend to not say enough these days.

I would so like to be able to talk about what happened and why I made various decisions, anywhere, just to be heard and understood and then maybe something could be done from there. Only one psychologist actually understood, and believed me.

Everything that was done was done with professional advice, to protect the lives of my children. Not one action was taken on a whim. But, because for safety reasons some things had to be done in secret, I am blamed for not enduring an utterly untenable situation. The heartbreaking thing for me is that my children still do not know what it was that I protected them from. My mistake was hiding the truths from them.

@Appleblossom your altar sounds like a wonderful idea, and I have quite the collection of CD's myself, which I still play while sewing!

I hope we can all find some solace somewhere, somehow.

Because gifts are candle holder, and meditation balls it kind of has that altar feel.

Hearing you about the complexity. @Last-Lament

I too went with professional advice. I really wanted the best for them, but explaining everything all the time is not appropriate as they are all at different ages and stages with different personality types.

I have framed favourite photos. Do what suits you and your best memories. My daughter and I cannot get back that 20 years. She is a wonderful, hardworking and successful person with a lot of ethics, which makes me proud. She is just a bit confused about her own mother.

Hi @Appleblossom

That is so much for you to go through and process. I am sorry by asking if your daughter was still here seemed insensitive? I don't always articulate what I am trying to say well. I wanted to give respect if your daughter has passed. Grief is so very hard I know even if the person we love chooses not to be in our lives any longer.

It's sounds like you have done alot of soul searching and thanks for sharing the lovely things you have done to remember the good times with your daughter.