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Consuming

0space0Contributor25 Jan 2021, 11:54 am AEDT

Consuming

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be there. In all honesty, I don't want to be anywhere.

Sitting at work switching between reading posts on here, and blankly staring at the screen.

Feeling irritable, and yet want to cry at any moment.

I messaged my counsellor asking if they do crisis management/counselling... with no response. I dialled the Lifeline number on my phone, and feel sick at the thought of actually ringing it.

I feel lost, hopeless and in despair.

I've suffered depression, anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD for most of my life. Most times I have been able to summon up hidden strength/courage to see past/through this sickening feeling. To see light where there is none. And most times these 'episodes' are temporary. A good night's sleep, the silent whispers of my subconscious setting me right and back on the 'life is good' band-wagon.

I could have family support networks, but I have so far distanced myself over these past years, I swap between feeling ashamed for not being there/present for my family, and not wanting to burden them, to feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of actually speaking/seeing anyone. My closest relatives are my grandparents, who are only getting older, frailer, and yet I cannot bring myself to see them, ring them, reach out to them. Perpetual cycle.

I have limited friends and very limited contact with all/any of my family and friends. I created that. Pride. Stubbornness. Guilt. Shame.

My life is one massive turbulent rollercoaster. Hurt by those that I do let in and share my love with. And wonder why I can't seem to catch a break. (Dammit stupid tears).

I keep asking myself... "what's the point?!" the pang of pain washes over me, I fight the tears, and the cycle of thoughts persist.

If I reach out and ask my loved ones that same question, I know I will be given the answer "because your kids need you" my deflective self-loathing response is always " they'll be better off without a broken mum (dear God!!), who... " I can't even bring myself to finish that here.

I just want to be left alone to wallow in my own self-pity. And yet silently scream out for someone to see me.

Sorry.

Just... Sorry.

13 replies

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In response to: Consuming

Unknown userMember28 Jan 2021, 2:40 pm AEDT

Re: Consuming

Hey @0space0, I'm so sorry that life circumstances have been overwhelming for you lately. For you to be feeling this way tells me that you're going through so much. Sitting here with you and sending love

It really resonates with me what @TideisTurning said about how when we might struggle to reach out the most, is when we likely actually need the support the most. I'm glad you did try reaching out to a crisis service and multiple other people, but I'm really sorry to hear that the person who spoke to you on the crisis line was condescending. Everyone calling a crisis line should be spoken to with genuine care and empathy; I hope that if you call again you'll have a better experience.

I know how you feel about small life tasks feeling like massive achievements- when I'm experiencing my lowest of lows, doing basic things like having a shower make me feel accomplished. Also when I manage to do some cleaning, that tends to make my headspace feel better- it's like it removes a physical reminder of my stress and struggle if there was clutter or dishes that had built up.

I'm glad to hear you have the support of a counsellor in navigating things.

Take good care

In response to: Re: Consuming

0space0Contributor28 Jan 2021, 4:11 pm AEDT

Re: Consuming

Thank you @Former-Member. Sincerely, thank you, everyone!

I know what you mean about "cleaning, that tends to make my headspace feel better- it's like it removes a physical reminder of my stress and struggle if there was clutter or dishes that had built up"

I feel exactly the same. Though I've recently moved (November), I have many boxes yet to be unpacked (shift from a large house to a small house) struggling to find the space to fit it all. My biggest issue is finding the energy and drive to actually clean/do anything. The impending 1st inspection fast approaching I am dreading getting things tidied/cleaned up for it - on top of everything else. I know I know, one box at a time... I just have a nasty habit of biting off more than I can chew, and then getting myself overworked and overwhelmed and then wondering why I crashed?!

In response to: Consuming

0space0Contributor29 Jan 2021, 1:41 pm AEDT

Re: Consuming

Day 4 of taking Anti's and third night of taking the sleeping.

Feeling a lot better within myself on a whole.

Though I do want to ask; although I have been waking refreshed, I have had issues with staying asleep, still waking 2-3 times a night, and now very strange dreams. Today, however, as the day is progressing, I am feeling more and more sluggish, wanting to just crawl into bed and sleep the rest of the day. Anyone else feel like this after only a few days of new meds?

Thanks again everyone for all your support.

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