Hi 0space0,
I hear you, same deal here, an existence that feels futile.
I find myself going for long aimless drives trying to get away from memories and myself, but always futile.
And that's the part that needs to be recognised, what happens and happened haunts you, follows you and leaves you with no respite.
Give this fact how do we deal with that? How do we deal with not being able to escape not just the haunting but the anguish and misery that accompanies it? That puts us into a place of complete apathy?
Slowly, that is the only way I have been able to begin to rebuild. To recognise that what has happened has happened and I can not change the outcome no matter how hard I try. In other words the cause is established, and not matter how innocent I am, no matter how unfair the outcome, no matter how difficult the emotional turmoil that I exist in I can not change that.
But what I am trying to do, one little step at a time, is to change the effect. I don't expect that my little "victories" would amount to much for others, but I try to set myself small target, manageable challenges like even going shopping without coming undone in aisle 4 where the tissues are. Even making multiple small trips to do a weekly shop to reduce my exposure and the sense of confrontation that I experience to manageable bites.
Not saying what I do or try to do will work for you, but it might help? Try pushing your boundaries in small steps, try by even just ringing someone in your family with whom you still have even a small connection, or maybe just a text message asking how they are?
For all you know they could be just as scared at approaching you? Deeply wanting to reach out and to connect with you but unsure how to given your current state?
I have a friend with a 20 year old daughter who suffers terrible anxiety to the place that she can not be around people, and sometimes even her own family. She is like a frightened Doe, always overly alert and flighty, the smallest sound of even a twig snapping would cause her to bolt for the cover of the forest.
He has been slowly expanding her circle of confidence, one small step at a time to the point where she is now only extremely shy and introverted, but not ready to bolt.
If you have good family support networks that love you, reach out to them in honesty, tell them when you need help, and conversely also allow yourself to be there when they need help as well.
Start with small manageable steps, and no matter how many times you feel you have failed or not risen to the measure you set keep trying, keep going forward, put behind you the things that you can not alter or influence, be the person you know yourself to be, do the good to others that you wish for yourself. You determine the outcome, one that finds a better you at the end of it rather than be a victim of circumstance beyond your control.
The things you can control are yours to control, as they are mine for my circumstance. Easy words to preach, and I know exactly how difficult they are to enact, but to not even try? You are worth so much more than failing yourself, you are so much stronger through adversity than you even realise about yourself.
You may be broken, I know that I am, and I also know that there is no shame in admitting this because to ignore it would be to give in to it. And as far as "because your kids need you" damned straight they do. But they need the whole of you, even the broken parts, because when they see that it is ok to be broken, when they see that mum is never going to give in, for her own sake as much as theirs, when they see that their mum who IS broken will never stop trying to become better then what greater example of endurance and perseverance can you give them to show your love for them?
Your kids don't need a "perfect" mum, they just need YOU! And you need them. They need to see that to falter is not shameful, it is part of our human condition.
And you need not be so hard on yourself because of what your own expectations are.
I know the emotional edge that you are on, it is a scary place to exist, it is a hard place to fortify yourself against. And maybe you should not always do that? Maybe you should allow the tears to flow? For me as a man I have always been told only girls cry, and now I know why, because they are smarter. A good cry can reset you emotionally, but do not let it overwhelm you to complete despair.
You are worth more that you know, and are so much stronger than you realise. Keep strong, and value yourself as much as those that love you do.
Hydro
