quietly struggling

Hi, i'm a 25 yr old Female,i have a 4 year old Daughter,i work as a carer with Disabled people, i'm pretty independant to an extent as far as looking after myself in a materialistic/job/financial sort of way but emotionally i need any type of vice or crutch i can get my hands on and i dispise being lonely. 2 years ago was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Literally 3 people in my life are aware, none of which are family.

anyway, story is, iv never sought any help, apart from medications and the occasional councelling, iv recently requested a referral but have been waiting ages. I'm starting to get so irritated and sick of waiting.

iv recently started drinking daily, except when i work,i dont get drunk at all just a few to relax,its all that helps, in the past iv been sexually promisquous,shoplifted, drove recklessly, had an eating disorder, all of which were just ways to numb the hell i fealt and to drown the riots in my mind, lately i prefer to just sleep it all away.

i was with my daughter's father for 5 years, very volatile relationship, in and out of it 5 -6 times till he got sick of me and the last time i walked, he never took me back, dont think i loved him anyway, just wanted my daughter to have a mum and dad together till i realized 2 happy homes are better than 1 that suffers.

i have a partner now, just got back together for the third time, this is the first time iv truley been happy with someone but i cant seem to just pull my head in and stop the push and pull, he adores me and i do him,but i infuriate myself because of the instability of my emotions and thoughts and as much as i try my best, sometimes he cops hella moods.

i dont trust any of my friends, i feel abandoned by them always, unrealistically but still.

i idealize everyone i meet and get attached, or i completely devalue them and be a horrid judgemental bitch, for reasons i dont even know.

i have nill self confidence

nill motivation

i get jealous at the drop of a hat

i get paranoid,i obsess, i second guess everything i say and do and what others say and do

my time management is terrible

i'm a bossy hypocrit and also my worst critic

i self destruct

i hate not getting my own way..but, i am honest, i think in depth, i love hard and i would help anyone anyday any time.

i just need help, i need someone to tell me im not the only one...and i want this living hell in my head to stop 😞