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quietly struggling

Vanity01Casual Contributor20 Aug 2016, 10:04 pm AEST

quietly struggling

Hi, i'm a 25 yr old Female,i have a 4 year old Daughter,i work as a carer with Disabled people, i'm pretty independant to an extent as far as looking after myself in a materialistic/job/financial sort of way but emotionally i need any type of vice or crutch i can get my hands on and i dispise being lonely. 2 years ago was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Literally 3 people in my life are aware, none of which are family.

anyway, story is, iv never sought any help, apart from medications and the occasional councelling, iv recently requested a referral but have been waiting ages. I'm starting to get so irritated and sick of waiting.

iv recently started drinking daily, except when i work,i dont get drunk at all just a few to relax,its all that helps, in the past iv been sexually promisquous,shoplifted, drove recklessly, had an eating disorder, all of which were just ways to numb the hell i fealt and to drown the riots in my mind, lately i prefer to just sleep it all away.

i was with my daughter's father for 5 years, very volatile relationship, in and out of it 5 -6 times till he got sick of me and the last time i walked, he never took me back, dont think i loved him anyway, just wanted my daughter to have a mum and dad together till i realized 2 happy homes are better than 1 that suffers.

i have a partner now, just got back together for the third time, this is the first time iv truley been happy with someone but i cant seem to just pull my head in and stop the push and pull, he adores me and i do him,but i infuriate myself because of the instability of my emotions and thoughts and as much as i try my best, sometimes he cops hella moods.

i dont trust any of my friends, i feel abandoned by them always, unrealistically but still.

i idealize everyone i meet and get attached, or i completely devalue them and be a horrid judgemental bitch, for reasons i dont even know.

i have nill self confidence

nill motivation

i get jealous at the drop of a hat

i get paranoid,i obsess, i second guess everything i say and do and what others say and do

my time management is terrible

i'm a bossy hypocrit and also my worst critic

i self destruct

i hate not getting my own way..but, i am honest, i think in depth, i love hard and i would help anyone anyday any time.

i just need help, i need someone to tell me im not the only one...and i want this living hell in my head to stop 😞

16 replies

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In response to: quietly struggling

SummeroseNew Contributor20 Aug 2016, 10:40 pm AEST

Re: quietly struggling

Hi, your not alone. I struggle with severe anxiety and depression. I had it under control but I moved with my daughter to a new city. Then 6 month later I feel bad again. Now I have no one close. quietly struggling is pretty good description. It is tough and lonely. It is hard to think of good things when you feel warn out. It is my daughter that makes me try and beat this illness. I want a great life for her. I want to be the best mum I can. So when it is hard. I try to remember be kind to myself. We are often our harshest critics. Your not alone. Take care

In response to: quietly struggling

utopiaSenior Contributor20 Aug 2016, 10:52 pm AEST

Re: quietly struggling

@Vanity01. You are definitely not the only onewho has gone tthrough this.
Lonliness is so hard to deal with. I've felt it many times - & when I'm lonely all I think about are my perceived negatives. It's hard to focus on the good.
But you have some amazing qualities; you are honest, you are intelligent, you are sensitive & help people. I bet you are brilliant with your clients & I bet they love you.
I too used to self medicate with alcohol - rarely 'drunk', but everyday drinking. Numbing the pain I couldn't express. I understand that. I recently gave up for 3 months. And am now able to have a social drink occasionally. I rarely want one now. But I no longer NEED one. That's the difference.
Go and see your gp this week. Explain that your feeling worse. I did thus and my gp rang the counseling service & I got in within a week (after waiting for so long). So it's good to let your gp know when things get harder or change.
You will find others on this site who have your same diagnosis. They should be able to help & could be great to talk further with.
We don't judge on this site & you will find people are very supportive on here.
Fight to get that appointment soon. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You have a daughter who loves you & a man who loves you. I think they see the real you - not just your MI (mental illness).

In response to: Re: quietly struggling

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Aug 2016, 12:28 am AEST

Re: quietly struggling

Can you find any place in your head between the "inner critic" which relates to the "other" and to the "self" ...

make the inner critic .. roomier ..but kinder ... as she spots issues all over ... and sees how hard

you and others try ... to love ...

so that you dont just find a new label ... diagnosis or word like "hipocrit" ... to put yourself or others down ..

Take care of YOU too ... caring is habitual when it is work .. but we forget to be kind to ourselves.

Apple

In response to: quietly struggling

SaharaSenior Contributor21 Aug 2016, 8:15 am AEST

Re: quietly struggling

Hi @Vanity01,

welcome to the forums.... you will find this to be a very supportive place. I don't have Borderline Personality Disorder myself (as far as I know); but I do suffer from anxiety and depression.

I'm no expert, but from what I understand, BPD is extremely treatable, these days. I think it used to be a condition that was very misunderstood and was considered resistant to treatment - but, fortunately, this is no longer the case.

I remember in my twenties, reading through a list of symptoms of BPD as part of some studies I was doing and I thought "Oh no, this sounds a lot like me!" I always had abandonment issues, I couldn't trust people, I felt irrational jealousy and anger and I was emotionally volatile. However, I managed to keep all these feelings concealed from everyone and I definitely never sought treatment. I would not have been comfortable talking about my experiences with anyone, back then.

Eventually, I went on to develop panic attacks, severe anxiety and had a bout of major depression.

I think you should do as someone above suggested and go see your G.P. and try to get into an appointment with a therapist as soon as you can. The sooner you have on-going support, the better.

In response to: quietly struggling

Unknown userMember21 Aug 2016, 6:39 pm AEST

Re: quietly struggling

Hi @Vanity01,

i could have written much of what you wrote here. I can identify with much of it. I have been diagnosed with borderline traits rather than the full disorder but can identify with lots of it and so much of what you wrote. i tend to do the push you pull you in my head and then take it out on myself. I tend to do lots in my head including living there most of the time too. I have a great therapist which is helping me heaps currently. I really hope you can find someone because as @Sahara said it can be managed so much better than ever before. I still have a really long way to go and have been getting therapy for all my stuff for a few good years now and it has taken ages for any of it to sink in but it's starting to. I'm just starting to be able to put things together and understand what's happening and sometimes make a better choice. I'm sure you'll be able to kick BPD too. I really hope you find a good counsellor soon. My biggest piece of advice is don't expect it to all change quickly, at least for me it is taking a long time with lots of frustration and confusion and anger along the way. As I said I'm only really at the beginning of change now. Wishing you the best of luck💜😊

In response to: Re: quietly struggling

Vanity01Casual Contributor21 Aug 2016, 7:39 pm AEST

Re: quietly struggling

Thankyou so much for taking the time to read and reply, iv managed on my own for most of my life, im getting to the point now where i am just so tired. i went to dr last week to tell her yet again i need a referral. fingers crossed.

In response to: quietly struggling

LadyLover62Casual Contributor24 Aug 2016, 1:42 am AEST

Re: quietly struggling

Woah you are a brave lady & up until now your internal strength has helped you get this far. It's tiring though isn't it? Totally exhausting in fact either having to hold up a brave appearance or not let anyone know you're not coping. Fear of judgement stops most of us seeking help from friends & family but you would be surprised how a little help can go a long way. Babysitting, a meal cooked, help with the washing or the cleaning or simply allowing yourself to sleep in. It's the little things that make the biggest difference and very few will turn their backs or judge you. Those that do aren't worth you time anyway. So reach out just one at a time and let people know you're doing it hard. It will take the pressure off you and give a little more time to your partner who obviously loves you.
With regards to your appointment, don't be shy to call them and check they still have you on the list, it's happened before. Have you changed address or phone number? Sounds like common sense I know but I've done that myself much to my disappointment
All the best
With

In response to: Re: quietly struggling

Vanity01Casual Contributor24 Aug 2016, 6:48 am AEST

Re: quietly struggling

I don't feel brave or strong lately. some days i struggle to even leave the house because i know my mood will just errupt. I try my damned hardest to make sure my daughter doesn't suffer to due to this disorder, although i struggled through post natal depression, also alone, iv fealt as though as she has gotten older,our bond has strengthened greatly, she is my best friend, shes so so smart and happy, but lately i know she feels my tension.

I'm at a point where i should be so happy and greatful for what i have, an amazing, supportive partner, great friends, stable job,stable income, a roof, food, etc. I'm not oblivious or unnapreciative of this because i know i have alot more than others.... I'm just still feeling a void of some sort.

I struggle at the moment to interact with people on any level because the effort of having a conversation doesn't appeal to me. I'll read txts and msgs and just can not reply straight away because i can't form a half meaningful sentence. I smile daily, I have gotten so good at pretending i am great that most people have commented how happy i seemto be and it's so good to see me smiling, when inside, i'm intensely irritated, exhausted and numb. I don't feel i'm depressed, i've just reached a point where i don't give a damn.

If there's any greatness i have achieved it is my Daughter, she is my hero, really. She's the only reason i am here and get out of bed daily.

In response to: quietly struggling

Unknown userMember24 Aug 2016, 7:46 am AEST

Re: quietly struggling

@Vanity01, I think children have a direct line to our souls, comes in utero! She feels what isn't said too. It's her journey with you. You sound like a loving mum, otherwise you would not be expressing such worry. I've 3 & I do the same, when at the lower end of the scale.
I think recently I've found myself asking the same of myself, why bother to pretend smiling when I just don't feel like it. It feels so flat. I'm doing the same today, dragging myself through the motions, two off to school, then other child to swim class. It's ground hog..but at the same time I believe the flat is reaching to hurdle something...so for now keeping slightly busy, puts my mind elsewhere.
You have a challenging, but rewarding profession, not many could do what you do.
It's a real attribute to you.
I have to be off, school stuff...but keep talking, things will rise & fall. ❤

In response to: Re: quietly struggling

Vanity01Casual Contributor24 Aug 2016, 11:33 am AEST

Re: quietly struggling

I appreciate all of the replies, and have gained different outlooks,the perks of talking anonymously to strangers has a different feeling about it...because i know that it isn't a biast response or opinion. Iv recently discovered something about myself, when it comes to my interactions with others... i know exacly which of my friends to speak to if i feel i need tough love and to be told straight up, then i'll speak with others knowing full well i'll recieve sympathy and be told i'm awesome. sickof feeling as though i need the constant re assurance that i'm not a shit person.

even when i am happy and smiling and laughing, it's short lived because i get this wave of intense anxiety, like some sort of impending doom. Lately i've come out of looking at friends, family, associates and work peers with rose coloured glasses on and all i can see when i look at people, no matter who it may be, is lies, and distrust. My partner keeps asking me what happened for me to feel this way and i can't give him an answer because i legitimately don't have an exact reason,nor do i know what exacly triggered this intense irritation and irrational view. Im just snappy and annoyed, i have not pin pointed what i'm annoyed at though. All i want to do is go and lash out at something.I useto be so violent,over timei have learnt to not use physical force as a means to let out fustrations, i'd be disgusted if my Daughter were to ever know or see me like that. I did throw a coffee cup in the direction of my partner a few months agoand then locked him outside, in a rage. I spent weeks feeling guilty, i dont even remember how it got to that point, he said something to me and next minute i was in fight mode.

I useto write alot, creatively,maybe i should put pen to paper again and see if i can release some of these demons residing in my mind,i also useto excersise alot, that useto help also. I don't know about anyone else but music is good for me, just to relax and run away with the lyrics.

hmmmm.

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