What’s happening to me?

I never understood what depression & anxiety were. I still don't. Based on my readings on other people's experiences, I might have it. Seeking professional help has been put off for years because I don't want to be a part of the statistics.

I'm sad & worried everyday. I wake up worrying about growing old & getting wrinkles (i'm only 34). When my brain is not working, it wanders off to a place that questions my faith. It analyses it & finds things that are wrong with it & I feel guilty for questioning something that has kept me together for years. I've redeveloped an old eating disorder because the act of eating is the only thing that can make me feel good, but I can't afford to put on more weight.

My family circle is such a negative space because I made it that way. I am not like them. All I wanted to do for christmas was have a chill night, but I ended up cooking for people that I didn't even know! For what? So they can post photos on social media? So they can get likes? I couldn't even say that I didn't want to be a part of it because Christmas should be spent with family, but then more than half of those people weren't anyway. I don't like being around them because it feels like my life is being scrutinised. So I join them, pretend to be happy, & space out when it becomes unbearable. It's exhausting. Then I feel bad for what I'm feeling because they've done nothing wrong to me.

I really don't understand what's going on in my head. I just can't find a reason to be happy. All I want is to be the old me. Someone who gets excited about waking up instead of the opposite.