@Former-Member I hear you, and it makes complete sense that you need to avoid a bed. I'd still make some changes to your room to help engage your senses. Have you thought about getting rid of the bed all together? Or is that a weird suggestion? If it's causing you so much distress maybe it would help to try sleep in a room without a bed. Maybe chuck it in a spare room or a shed for now?
Back when I used to try and avoid sleep was when my nightmares were at their worst. In talking with my therapist, he explained that if you aren't able to get to the REM state of sleep--because of sleep disruptions--your brain jumps the gun a bit at sleep time. He said we dream we hit REM sleep, and that's the deep sleep that we need to get. We go through stages during our sleep from the light sleep, to the deep sleep, then the light sleep before waking. If we aren't able to achieve this natural process, our brains leap straight to the deep sleep. We learn to adapt, our brains recognise there is a limited window to achieve REM sleep so it goes into overdrive trying to reach that state before it's disrupted. This is when nightmares/dreams occur frequently and seem to increase in intensity--perhaps because of the stress the brain is under to try and achieve that REM state. Keeping yourself uncomfortable throughout the night is an understandable course of action, and if it feels like what you need to do, do it. I'm just wondering if it might unwittingly be making things more difficult for you, but that's just a thought.
Writing, yes, do it. Do more of anything that you've been able to identify as helpful. Writing is an excellent way to help process and understand what's going on in our heads. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just scrawling thoughts down as they come out can be a huge help. You've listed a few things you do of an evening, perhaps you could carve out a bit of time to do some writing as well? I'd also like to suggest you try the treadmill earlier in the day if possible, exercise before sleep makes it difficult to wind down.
Hiding how you're going from family and friends is understandable. I did this for a very long time too, and I still do to an extent. However, over the past couple of years I've brought one of my close friends into the fold and my brother. Expanding your support network is an important part of recovery. I didn't let them in on everything in one go, but over time sharing smaller snippets until I felt comfortable enough that they were safe people to share with. Making sure we share with people who are supportive without judgement is key. Have a think about your friends and family and see if there is someone who may be a good support person to have on board. Start by sharing small snippets with them, step back and gauge their response. Did they pass judgement, did they dismiss what you were saying, ask yourself those questions. If you feel safe, share a little more and keep going like this, share and check. Not everyone is going to be a safe person to share our journey with.
Jumping back to the writing thing, I remember my therapist suggesting I rewrite my nightmares. He said some people find it helpful, others don't, but worth a try I guess. He said you write out whatever happens in the dream and then continue on by adding a new ending to it. I can't say this worked for me, but he said others have found it works so give it a shot if you want.
I have another suggestion around writing which may sound weird. I used to write stories a lot, it was something I'd do every day/night, pretty much constantly. I haven't written anything for a long time now, not since I sort of realised it was a coping mechanism. But that's beside the point. I have found the concept of writing what's going on for me, in the present or the past, too overwhelming. I have, however, realised that the stories I wrote were about me. I didn't set out to write about what I was going through, but the fictional characters I created reflected what I couldn't talk about. It was a life raft for me, I found a way to process what was happening to me without actually dealing with it I suppose. So if writing about it all is too overwhelming, my suggestion would be to put it into a fictional story. Write about what happened through a character. I think, for me at least, doing that put a bit of distance between me and what was happening. So it was like processing it, but at the same time doing it from a safe distance. This isn't a suggestion that's come out of my therapy, it's just something I've observed about myself from the past and I can see writing those stories helped me deal with everything but in a safe way. Maybe it'll be a good route to go for you too?
I hope the bird sounds helped a little last night and I hope you managed to get some rest. Sometimes sleep just isn't possible, in those times try to take comfort in just resting. Put the bird sounds on and just rest.
