Sharing thoughts on a relationship topic.

Hey @Powderfinger I remember from the beginning when you first came to us you were struggling with the inequities and hurt in this relationship. I think you hit the nail on the head yourself in your post - your self esteem and self worth was severely impacted so I would personally question if this is a road you want to go down or more importantly could tolerate again. Only you know that but in my experience, the longer we are put down and the more we are hurt, the more of ourselves we actually lose. Any relationship should indeed be a partnership - both parties working together to build their own lives, their own future and their own happiness. Sometimes we need to close a door on the past ourselves so we do not repeat history and can genuinely love and be loved.

The loss of any relationship is very hard and that grief is very real - and maybe in this instance it is the grief that is talking to you because you feel that loneliness. We often do things against our better judgement when suffering that grief so whatever road you choose to take or whatever decisions you make here also maybe allow yourself to grieve first.

@Zoe7

Hi,

I've seen you around the forums. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. To your first suggestion for a question to ask myself, I already know the answer. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I have no tolerance left for it and no will to build tolerance for that ever again.

I know I lost myself in the relationship. There's too much going on in my head to speak extensively. I guess to put it simply, I've disconnected from things. People, places and so on. I'll also say I am diagnosed C-PTSD with severe depression and anxiety.

Living with this is incredibly hard. An unwanted present of severe childhood trauma and neglect. I know this illness is not my fault. I know that I do my best even in my insufferable days. Some partss of the relationship I was in, was extremely traumatising for me. It re opened wounds that I did not want opened. The damage of that happening was an afterthought every time.

To be honest, I'm not in the right space to be in a relationship. The damage and hurt is too significantly huge.

You are correct, there is grief, heavy grief, mixed in with deep hurt, anger, sadness and very little understanding. I was the one in the relationship and I am currently thinking where the heck did it all go wrong?

You do reflect and look back. You see how it used to be and you see how it was towards the end. The contrast is also again significant.

On to.of it, I thought I had found "my one". The girl I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I had never felt the way I felt for anything new ekse I had ever been with, than I felt with her. That adds a whole other thing to also feel and feel confused.

The confusion I have wasn't created by myself. It was created by verbal and non verbal communication. Why the heck wouldn't I be confused.

I gave the relationship 100%. I was never half out nor half in. All or nothing. There is some places I go in my head that I do not like. They are dark thoughts. Not suicidal but just horrible thoughts.

The thing is too, I am at a lot more than just one crossroads in my life. Trying to navigate with no compass, map nor directions. Not for now any way.

Thanks again for sharing.

Hi @Powderfinger What I see in your words is a reluctance (probably not the best word) to enter into this relationship again. I see how 'broken' this has all made you and how much of yourself you have lost throughout. In my experience when we are in such a one sided or abusive relationship, when we give everything and get little that is positive in return, then it is hard to recognise that it is a toxic relationship until we are out of it and can reflect upon it from a distance.

Wanting that connection and that love with someone can often cloud our thinking when we so desperately want or believe the person we are with is 'the one'. Any relationship requires work, give and take and compromise but when that all seems one sided then it is not an equal partnership ...we then need to question if it is what we deserve in life and can continue to live with ongoing. Personally I do not believe this is any way to live life - we all deserve our needs and basic desires to be fulfilled and if that love is not returned then we deserve so much more

I too have CPTSD, depression and anxiety - mutiple and ongoing abuse until early adulthood - so I do get how the need to be loved and cared for in part stems from what we have been through and that fighting for that connection and love can also cloud the reality of the situation ...but for our own wellbeing it is sometimes necessary to break those chains and move on. That is not at all easy and the grief around that loss is immense - maybe more profound than others because of the heightened emotions we feel as a result of our mental health issues ...but there is a way forward - it is a slow process but one we can all get through with support and care from others.

I am more than happy to walk this journey with you @Powderfinger and provide some of that support along the way when yiu need it. I do understand how hard it is to break free of a toxic relationship and also how hard it is to 'get over' that loss - if that is the way you go. If you do decide to return to this relationship and give it another go then you will be doing so with your eyes wide open. Whatever you choose you deserve respect, care and love to be returned so keep that in mind in making your decision.

@Zoe7

Morning,

I am just acknowledging your response for now. I have a fairly busy day ahead. I will respond to this when that is all over for the day and I am having my down time.

I hope your day includes some good moments and you get to that down time sooner than expected @Powderfinger 👍😁

@Zoe7

Thank you. It wasn't a bad day. I'm just very tired lately. We had 41 degrees here today. It's been like this for a week with no rain and no signs of cooling down. I've only just stopped for the day and it is 5:22pm. I have a headache starting.

I'm going to reply to your post tomorrow. I need the rest of the day and night to really rest.

I will say in brief, I liked your post and I look forward to conversing with you again.

Stay safe and take care.

Powderfinger.

Look after yourself @Powderfinger That is the priority

@Zoe7

I'm.trying to get much better at that. Looking after myself always meant protecting myself. It doesn't mean that anymore so I'm having to re learn. Talk tomorrow.

It really does take re-learning and a lot of effort to do that @Powderfinger I too had to do that - still learning myself but one thing I really needed to do in order to look after myself is find a better work-life balance - that I am also getting much better at but still working on.

@Zoe7

Apologies for taking a bit to respond. Yeah, I am with you. Work/life balance is an issue for most people. Often the balance isn't good. I know mine needs working on as well. I do not have fun or joy in my life and I work too much. I know I need to change it.

This is in respone to your post on Sunday. I realised today that my long term struggles from all my life and still currently is that I have always had a soft, compassionate and understanding heart. Believe me I have tried to harden those aspects of me. I tried to harden them for many reasons. Protection of my heart, protecing myself from getting hurt terribly, realising that not many people are going to care for those parts of me in their life and will do nothing to show they care for my heart, trying not to give compassion, care and love to others who don't deserve it from me, and will continue to exploit it. I feel bad in myself when I have to turn hard towards people. It is one of the hardest things to do and at the same time I have to deal with the immense hurt that is in my heart.

I know that realising this is good, because it means I can try alter things. The issue is I truly do not know how at this stage.

As for the relationship, I am reluctant to re-enter into it. I am not going to jump back in. I do not want to. Yes, I ahve beautiful memories of how we were and the times we had together. It does not cancel out the significant hurt and damage. I also will no re-enter a relationship with someone who is not showing me that they are taking any action to have a better/healthier relationship with me, that does the same things that caused damage and hurt and takes no action that is authentic to show they want me in their life because they actually see me for the beautiful person I am and the gift they have in being in a relationship with me, that actually wants to commit to a relationship and not just have it their way all of the time.

So, the answer is no. I cannot and will not be re-entering into a relationship. As for her being "the one" I will not touch on that for the moment. I have so much going on. Reality is hard to face, but reality you only have to face once. the build up of lies, many times over. The connection and bond we had is broken. She knows this. I also cannot be in a relationship with anyone who emotionally disconnects and abandons me and the relationship. I am fully aware that I need to manage my own emotions. No one is responsible for that. However, emotional abandonment and neglect in a relationship is extremely toxic, unhealthy and damaging. Its unnacceptable to me and I will not be in a relationship like that again. I had my mother do that to me my whole life and it was extremely damaging to me.

As for loneliness and being alone. In the context of a romantic relationship, feeling alone in a relationship. in the way that you actaully feel you do not have your partner you can talk to and connect with is never something I wanted. Loneliness is something I am still questioning. I have always felt lonely in life and alone. Not just because my relationship ended, but absolutely yes, I felt lonely and alone in my relationship. It's another area of life I am questioning. We still live in the same house, but we have our own seperate lives. I know it will be much better to move as being in the same space can be really hard on most days. I havnt been able to do it yet. Nobody knows the real difficulties I am having in moving out. I am stuck, I am tired and I am having health/life challenges. I cannot do it all.

I know within myself, that it will never go back to how it was between us. Its very sad. Yes, I am grieving, yes I am angry, yes I am hurt, yes trust has not been rebuilt, yes, I want to be loved like we all do. In saying that I am aware that jumping back into anything right now is simply just not going to happen.

I am sorry that your childhood was like mine. I know different set of things happening, different experiences, different parents and such. Abuse is abuse and I think there is common understanding around that between people who had that childhood when it continued on into adulthood. Mine continued on into adulthood too.

I look forward to hearing nack from you, only when you are able to. There is no hurry.

Powderfinger

Regarding grieving.