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are BPD favourite people ok?

TheodoraContributor23 Dec 2020, 4:21 pm AEDT

are BPD favourite people ok?

Hi,

I've supported a girl 20 yrs younger than me for a few years now. I've never known what name her problem has been given, but a few things came together recently and I think it might be Quiet BPD... and I think I'm the 'favourite person' that I have seen mentioned, in quite derogatory ways, online in the info I have been reading.

My aim over the past years has been to be so stable and trustworthy and unconditional that she might learn to trust people again. And we are finally at that stage, at the stage where she feels safe enough to start branching out from me and getting some real help. It's been so hard because she has been told not to talk to me by family members who have never met me and refuse to talk, and so there's always secretiveness and underlying lies but we are very close. I have never been able to figure out why they would say don't talk to me, it's never made any sense. And now I'm reading these websites about people with BPD needing to 'get over favourite people' and I'm freaking out that I've been doing the wrong thing by standing by her and always being available to her for so long, and now, just when I see that things are starting to go ok for her, I read this info that says I'm doing something wrong if I'm the 'favourite person'. Am I causing her more harm than good?

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In response to: are BPD favourite people ok?

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor25 Dec 2020, 7:24 am AEDT

Re: are BPD favourite people ok?

Hi @Theodora ,

Thanks for your post.

Im speaking on behalf of someone who has lived with BPD for over a decade, has gone through treatments, and have come out in a much better place.

I can see you have a heart of gold. You want to help this girl to learn to trust people again so you are available to her at all times.

First things first, she may NOT have BPD, so we can't base everything from a BPD angle.

Secondly, I think it's great that you have spent some time pondering and reflecting on the current situation. This gives you an awareness of how things are going. Since you have begun 'helping' her, have you seen any changes or any move by her to trust others again? If this is your goal, are your actions moving her towards or away from this goal?

Thirdly, whether it be BPD or not, healthy relationships need clear communication and boundaries. Being available to her at all times will eventually drain you. Not only that, you may be teaching her to become dependent on you. For me, as a borderline, I sucked the life out of my 'favourite person', and absolutely fell apart when my 'favourite person' was not there. Keeping in mind your friend may not have BPD, does her continual dependence on you move her towards trusting others?

These are not answers to your questions. They are simply things to think about. You're welcome to come join our BPD community at Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script .

Look forward to hearing from you.

BPDSurvivor

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