Lost my voice and feeling like something is not right.

This post is partly venting my frustration, anger, and description of the situation I find myself in. I feel like I am going crazy, like I am the crazy one. When I have spken about how I feel, I have all sorts of things come back at me, none of which included me feeling like I am being heard at all. I tried to clarify and got no response. I need anyone who can give feedback, tell me honestly, if I am being reasonable/unreasonable and am NOT CRAZY. Why? I do feel a bit crazy.

So, I joined Rotary last year as a guest. I was a guest/friend of Rotary for a while. As I contacted Rotary on my own terms (which no one really does as it is mostly other members bringing potential new members along that they know) what I did is very rarely done. It is part of being a Rotarian that you bring along people who you think would be a good fit for Rotary and if they are interested to come along, which then can perhaps move forward to them becoming a member in time.

So, moving on. I was inducted as a member just over two weeks ago now. That does mean I am an official Rotarian. At my very first event in November this year before becoming a member, I did a heck of a lot of volunteering for the event to get it set up before the atual day, plus was at the event for the entire day when the day came. At that point, I was actually nto doing so well in my life, but I thought being around others and doing something for community may be just what I needed.

I also did all the editing and proofreading for the huge advertisment (4 pages) in the newspaper for this event. This is my profession and my vocation. I trust my work 100%. So, I did so much work for this one huge event. A project like the one I was given as an editor, should not have taken me so long, but I kept getting it back over and over and over again. What was happening was that there were too many people looking over it, changing up all my work and then me having to look over it way too many times. I did try and speak up. I said, there is never suich a thing as a PERFECT document, whatever type it is in my line of work.

The main two people, I observed wanted perfection and what felt like to me a lot of control. I had observed this in both of them for quite some time. I am unsure if they are even aware of themselves, but for me it is a real turn off.

After that project was over, I got in touch with the president of our club and mentioned a few things about the project. I made no complaints and did not refer to anyone in specific, I just made suggestions for next year, so that part of things would run a bit smoother for everyone and it would not take so long. I wasnt being paid for what I did, as it is all on a voluntary basis. I did volunteer to do it.

So, I thought I ahd learnt from those experiences. Evidently not.

At our last meeting on Wednesady night, it was bought up that planning had to start going into one of Rotarys events for Australia day. The potential issue abpout the event were spoken about and the president asked who wioshed to work on the project. A member put up her hand and I put up my hand too. It was then decided by the president that this member and I would work together on this project. It was a member I ahd not yet worked with.

Anyhow, fast forward to to four days later after the meeting, things are fucked up once again and I am really angry. Here is why. The person I am working with is wonderful. We were doing such a great job working together, getting things sorted and organised. The president even sent us an email congratulating us on our work. Thigs were going well I feel.

Come the day after that, the president sends through an email to also bring another member on board for the project. She also cc'd the member in that email. I thought to myself, oh no, here we go. As a member I have to work within a team environment. What pissed me off was that we already had a team. This other member came right in and undid all the work that the other original person I was working with and myself had already done. We had plans and arrangements going. She basically came in, took over the whole things and said the way you are doing it is not how it is run every year. Then EVERYTHING literally changed. The other member was nowhere to be seen, even though she was being cc'd in it.

This happened in the space of less than 24 hours. I was gobsmacked and confused. It was all changing so fast. that I couldnt keep up with my own thoughts and feelings, let alone so many quick changes.

So, I decided to contact the president in an individual email, as she was being cc'd in all the correspondence and knew what was going on.

I just said I was feeling very confused and explained the reasons why. I asked her to clarify on how to proceed.

I was not expecting what I got back from the president. In my experience and from what she wrote, she thought I had taken everything personally. I hadnt, I was just feeling a bit lost and confused. This is my actual first event planning within Rotary. I feel the original member and I were working just fine. Things were getting done. She was going on about I do not set people to fail, I set them up to succeed. I thought to myself, you ahev already set me up to fail by not trusting and believing in me that I could do this with the original member. I did not say this though.

She wrote some other things which I cannot be bothered reapeating. I sent her off a quick email, just saying I think soem wires have been crossed her and I will clarify. I did so, because I was feeling misunderstood about my prior email to her about my confusion. I explained things and I have not heard back.

Now the other member I was working with is not even responding, and I am stuck with the other person. I feel so very uncomfortable. I feel very controlled. I have watched her work in the past and done some work with her, and I could see her controlling nature. Everything has to be perfect and everything is controlled.

When I try to use my voice, it is squashed down, or my meaning and words are twisted and then I have to clarify. Most times receiving no response if I clarify. I think I first contacted Rotary in early or mid September. It is now late December and I am really not happy because of my experiences so far.

I also feel very upset and angry that the other member has disappeared and I am left to deal with this. The new member I am supposed to work with now, has even stopped cc'ing the president because in her words "there is no need to bombard the president with emails abput the event". Prior to this, the old member I was working with we were cc'ing the president, only for the reason tpo keep her up to date with the progress of our planning.

Now, this new member comes in and just wipes everything we had done over the last three days together and I have to do as she says. Yes, great team work that is.

Also the meeting we had before our most recent one this week, I was inducted as a Rotarian. It is usally quite a big affair. This recent meeting four new members got inducted. Surprise, surprise ALL OF THEM were the presidents prior colleagues she ahd worked with and friends. At their induction, a huge fuss was made for them. The way an induction is supposed to go, went the way it should for them. At my induction, it sure did not go that way. I felt so low that night when I watched them being inducted. Of course, I clapped for them, congratulated them and welcomed them into the club. Being kind, respectful and courteous. It didnt change that I felt so incredibly low in myself.

Anyhow, bringing all of this together and a few other things that happened in Rotarty, if I am honest I feel like saying nope Rotary is just not for me for so many reasons. There is a lot I would actually want to say, but I think whats the point? They seem to be hard of hearing, controlling and not actually interested in what I have to say.

Being shut down, controlled and invalidated like I am, is making me feel like I am doubting my own perceptions and I am the opne who is in the worng and crazy. I am slowly closing myself off more and more to Rotary and actually feel like I do not want to be a member and devote myself and my time to the club and community. Status means nothing to me, but ti seems to mean a lot in this Rotary club. It's mor like a secret society business club and I just do not think it is the right fit for me. Also, besides volunteering a lot, I have to pay fees for being a member, grow professionally and personally, turn up to meetings and AGM'S and often thrown in money to the club.

I have written this as honestly, true and acurate as I can. I have no one to really talk to about all of this. Today, I feel so crap. I am basically not responding to any further correspondence nor reading current correspondence from Rotary, I just want to be left alone today.

I just feel I have lost my voice and that my feelings, thoughts are completely wrong and I am not seeing things properly. In saying that soemthing inside me is unhappy about all of this, so something must be wrong for me.

Any feedback, will be welcomed.

Thank you.