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Being a carer/mother

TLM66Casual Contributor18 Dec 2020, 9:46 pm AEDT

Being a carer/mother

Hello

My son is married, with 3 kids.

Growing up we were close until he hit late teens and spiralled out of control in drug and criminal activities. I supported, cared and in somewhat enabled him by bailing him out. When I initiated tough love he excluded my from his life for few years even didn't invite me to his wedding n birth of my grandchildren as a way of punishment. He claims and tells people that I abandoned him through his dark period but didn't, I just stopped enabling and allowing him to stay at home due to being violent.

The last 3/4 yrs I feel at times we are going ok but at times he is verbally abusive.
he has recently been diagnosed with BPD, for which I have offered to support him to seek support etc ( I'm also a social worker)

I would really like to know what support is available for me, to remain in his life whilst retaining boundaries especially around the abuse. I have thought of cutting him out of my life especially when he is abusive but that would mean not having my grandchildren in my life.

Guidance and support appreciated

4 replies

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In response to: Being a carer/mother

MaggieSenior Contributor19 Dec 2020, 2:19 pm AEDT

Re: Being a carer/mother

@TLM66 Welcome to the forums.

I don’t have any advice, but I will tag someone who might be able to help @BPDSurvivor

Topic Tuesday// BPD Awareness– Flipping the script with a special guest from Spectrum// Tues 6th October,7 pm-8:30pm AEDT might help also. It was a Tuesday night discussion a few months ago.

You are welcome to join in conversations here, sometimes support online can go a long way.

A forum tip. To tag others, the @ brings a dropdown. Tap a name, or names and we get notifications.

Take care.

In response to: Being a carer/mother

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor19 Dec 2020, 7:11 pm AEDT

Re: Being a carer/mother

Hi @TLM66 ,

Thanks for reaching out. This is definitely a tough one.

Boundary-setting is definitely extremely important for pwBPD. I can see the loss you feel in not being able to see your grandchildren.

It's awesome that you have have offered to support him to find support. For pwBPD, like myself, talking therapy is what it boils down to. An extended time of continuos treatment to help shift the BPD mindset. However, before any of this work can happen, does your son see he needs help? Treatment for BPD requires commitment from him and it is a lot of work. It means moving beyond his comfort zone to try something different. Unless he is ready to put into this support, it is next to useless.

So first things first, does he want or see the need to make changes?

I hope you get the gist of what I'm trying to say. For years people tried to 'help' me and find supports for me, but it was to no avail because I was not ready. Finally, when I'd had enough of my life, I myself reached out to find help. Only then did changes take place - and I'm so glad for it. Recovery was on MY terms.

BPDSurvivor

In response to: Re: Being a carer/mother

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor19 Dec 2020, 7:15 pm AEDT

Re: Being a carer/mother

Also note, @TLM66 , you should in no way accept abuse. It should be made clear that when he is abusive or raging, you will step away until he calms down.

For BPD, you strike when the iron's COLD (not hot).

When I'm raging, I've now learnt to step away before I do something I regret.

@Maggie , thanks for the tag!

In response to: Re: Being a carer/mother

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor21 Dec 2020, 6:13 pm AEDT

Re: Being a carer/mother

How are you going @TLM66 ?

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