Relationship is struggling

So a quick back story, mental illness has been a big part of my life, from childhood through now my mid 30's.

My mother suffered terribly and was diagnosed manic depressive (bipolar) earlier this year, in her late 50's.

Recently I've had an incredibly hard time, I sought support and help from my mum and I went to black dog website and did the questionnaire thing. It suggest severe depression and severe anxiety. It also suggest symptoms of PTSD and Bipolar disorder. Which, with a family history wouldn't be far fetched. I'm waiting on an appt with a psychiatrist for an assessment and diagnosis.

When I first brought this up to my partner he pretty much scoffed at it and said "you're not bipolar".

In the last 3 month's (but not the first time I've have a period like this with him) I've had a host of emotions and irrational responses to him, my mind twists things up and makes me believe all sorts of things and I become angry and it builds to a point of rage, I feel like I could burst and my partner cops the brunt of it. Through texts or phone calls. I'll tell him to f off and leave me alone. Or if I feel like something is bothering me and I'm not sure if it's me being irrational I'll tell him not to call or text or visit and stay away for a few days - because otherwise I go with my emotional thoughts and accuse him of not loving me, doing things purposefully to annoy me, controlling me, using me for x y or z. Its crept into all aspects of our relationship, I had to ask him to move out because I kept reacting badly any time he tried to deal with my kids. I'd have this overwhelming need to protect my kids from this "monster" which wasn't the case at all - but my head kept telling me he's this and that and you need to make him leave.

Small things will annoy me, like sharing the bed or sheets or if he farts and then things become bigger. And it's all his fault, for farting or stealing the blanket or keeping me awake and why would you do that when you know I feel like this, well just get all your crap and leave for good.

Not long after an episode of me constantly and consistently having a go at him for various things I broke down and told him to leave me, that I was a horrible person and I couldn't understand why he would want to be with me after all the things I keep saying to him.

I don't know how many times I've apologised for being irrational and emotional and over the top in reactions and emotions and behaviours. I don't know how many times I've cried for how much I must be hurting him. I know it hurts him, I hate that I'm the one who is hurting him, I hate I can't control any of these things right now and I'm trying to recognise, I'm trying to journal, I'm trying to use distractions.

I've been trying, I've tried turning my phone off, I've told him on days I haven't been feeling good and I'm scared of picking something to fight with him about I'll ask him to just stay away. And when I'm feeling like I'm not sure if it's genuine emotion or irrational I've been trying to distract myself but it's a hit and miss of working.

I've been trying to remove myself from the room in which something is upsetting me and focus on breathing or something else like 5 senses (I'm finding that hard) but it's not helping, it eases at that moment for a bit. Then something is said and bam, it comes too quick and I don't even realise it. I'm yelling at him, just go, that's all I am, I'll never be more than that etc etc etc. Slam doors.

I try to communicate, but even when I'm calm I seem to make things worse.

Last night he said he is struggling being the bad guy all the time, I just don't know how to stop it.

Most times he seems to be understanding, but there are times he will say things like "we used to have the most amazing sex life and now you have made it into something dirty and gross" I find this incredibly insensitive, I have CSA history and although I haven't really had any major issues with this relationship, these last few months I have developed PTSD type symptoms relating to that and at intimate times. I've tried to explain it's not something I can talk about properly with him and I've tried to explain triggers, but seems to have made him feel like a pervert. And has impacted that part of our relationship hugely.

I don't know how to effectively communicate any concerns/triggers/issues without emotions overwhelming me in any area of our relationship.

I've found another GP recommended by the office of psych I will be seeing, I don't know what he can do any different but I booked an appt a week before i see the psych.