My Mosaic

I feel like I rested well last night and rested today.

@tyme I think it’s a combination of a couple of things. Coming back home from holiday and slipping back into my ‘normal’. Everything that I have to deal with. People. Appointments. Just looking at this week’s appointment list, it stresses me out and overwhelms me.
And there is the complete dread of what I have to face the coming weeks and months.
I am on edge all the the time and my senses are so heightened.

Thanks @Snowie i have crawled into bed. D is still up though.

@NatureLover I managed to track down a copy of ‘the body keeps the score’. It looks a bit overwhelming… (thick)! But I think I want to slowly work through it.

It sounds like everything all at once can certainly exacerbate things @Bow

Take it slowly.

You have don't incredibly well considering you've had 7 full on days.

I am actually dreading the praise I’ll get tomorrow from my team that I survived 7 days on my own @tyme it confuses me @tyme which is me? Am I a fake. A fraud?

No you are not. @Bow

I've felt like a fraud in the past. And that when I got angry. They said I could be 'good' all day and to everyone else, but as soon as I got home, I was a 'terror'. I couldn't explain, but that's just how it was.

It doesn't make you a fake @Bow

I've been in a similar place. But it did leave me questioning.

I don’t understand it @tyme i don’t know why it is this way. I know that they will ask tomorrow. They will want to know why I can do it like that… but then turn all the crap and shittiness back on. I know that my CM will bring up my mum. That things are better when I’m on my own and that I need to get out. But it’s really not an option. She just doesn’t understand that I am trapped here. I have no other option.

my ED…. I struggled while away, but I ate. But now that I am home, it’s back to normal. It’s back to that part of me that wants to destroy me.

I also think that that's BPD. You and I are not the first to experience turning 'BPD' on and off. It's not because we want to. I think that is what people don't realise and that's what causes people to say that borderlines are 'attention seekers'. I HATED that. @Bow I used to be asked why I could. be good for everyone else, hold down a job, run the place, then as soon as I get home, I'd be a total mess - I couldn't explain.

Not sure if it's the same for you.

If I had to I could probably do the same @tyme but I’d be a complete mess at the end of the day. And I’d probably frequently be off sick. Urgh.

I very much wear a mask @tyme i often ‘present’ well. I attend some appointments and walk out so angry and disappointed in myself cause whoever I just seen assume that I am ok and things are going well, but really inside I am a fuck!ng mess and falling apart. I think sometimes I have to SH so that people can see what is inside otherwise they would have no clue.

Apart from my really bad days, to my mum, I could be well. I hide so very much from her. Or maybe she just doesn’t want to see it.

sorry just rambling now. I dread appointments cause I don’t know which one of me is going to be more present. And whether I will get the support I need as a result

Yes! Exactly! I presented well too! I could run a whole team of people, make speeches to hundreds, complete bachelor and masters degrees.....

But as soon as I got home, I was a different person.

I'm so glad I got a case manager that was so understanding. He has really played an important part in my recovery. He didn't just let me go like so many others. He saw through me. He was honest, transparent and told me the truth even when it hurt. @Bow

I don’t even know who I am @tyme i have all these parts inside me, and then all this on top of it.
I told myself ages ago that I wasn’t gonna get dressed for appointments anymore. I wouldn’t make the effort. Just go in what I am comfortable in. But that never happened. I sit at comm mh and sometimes feel ashamed cause I don’t feel like I fit in there. Don’t feel like I deserve to be there. Same with the psych ward when I’m there…. Even my arts and craft group. It really messes with my head.

I wish I could be more like the person that inside me. Whatever that looks like 🤔