My Mosaic

what lies beneath is way scarier than the monster that guards it.

@Bow 💕💕💕

i was suppose to see my psychologist tomorrow. i had emailed her last week after my gp appointment and had been emailing back and forth. i dont for a minute believe she had any intention of seeing me again after my last appointment, despite leading me to believe i would via email over the weekend, i had even made an appoinemt for first thing tomorrow morning to go back to my old gp to renew my mental health plan.

she has just emailed me and said not to come again.

i cant do this any more. nothing is ever going to change. i just made a big mess of everything. im done

I am so sorry to hear that @Bow 😢💔

Please stay safe sweetheart, its so very important that you do. One day soon I feel confident that you will turn a corner and finally find the support you so badly need. You just have to hang in there long enough for that to happen.

Emelia 💞

@Bow That was late notice, so stringing you along til she could face her own decision. Not fair. Would add to the issues you deal with.

I am trying to understand the brokenness of the system and trying to make it work for me ... it is hard work ....

You matter ... try not to let the outside negativities get to you .... I have written down things when I feel they are likely to burst through ... not really for others ... but for me to learn to understand me .... also I keep researching relevant things. I hope you find some good mh workers soon.

I am so sorry you have had this huge disappointment @Bow and I really hope that soon you will have much better support.

Please don’t give up. You are very important and valuable as you are an unrepeatable miracle. I know how much you care about your daughter and she is so dependant during this first year at big school.

There will always be support for you here no matter what...just hold on.

Lots of love

💜🙏💜

Just checking in with you @Bow to see how you are going today 💕💕

yesterday was hard. i should of seen my psychologist, instead i slept the whole day.

i had felt ready to start talking about the assault, i had done some jounralling and was intending on taking that to my appointment and wanted to talk through some of what i had been feeling. i was also committed to stopping SH, my psychologist a number of weeks ago had asked me how i would feel if she asked me to give her what i use to SH, i said no. but i was ready. it had been over 2 weeks since i had SH. instead i have started again and worse than ever before. ive fallen apart completely. everyone is leaving me.

Thats most unfortunate @Bow that you did not get to your psych appointment yesterday as planned.

Sounds like things are unravelling a little bit for you now. I'm really sorry to hear that.

Your mind set had been in the right place, in that you were preparing yourself to talk about the assault from a few weeks ago. Gosh it took me, ummm ... it would have been 18 years before I could talk to anyone about what happened to me 25 years ago. And then it wasnt done verbally, but via nods and shakes of the head amongst floods of tears, shaking and collapsing in the corner of my psych's consulting room. It took another year of extensive therapy to be able to actually verbalise what happened. Mostly it was via written word. So you are making progress, and thats very promising Bow. I hope you find another opportunity soon to talk to your psych about this. Dont leave it for many years like I did ... if you are able to talk about it now, process it and move on from it ... it may help to prevent PTSD from developing. To have support around you and the ability to talk about such things, is one of the best ways to prevent trauma developing into PTSD in future. So I hope you continue with your journalling and utilise it well when you do see your psych.

Nobody is leaving you here @Bow , we are still here for you. Even if I may be a little scarce for a little while.

Emelia 💕

thanks @Emelia8

im having to start a fresh with a new psychologist now and not until mid march. it has devastated me. i really connected with her and she was a chrisitan, which was important to me, especially in processing some of the things that i wanted with her. maybe once i am more stable and not presenting so acutely, she will take me back on? but im not sure. i feel deeply hurt by how she has handled this and leaving me without anything for a month.

thank you for sharing some of your journey too. i know its not easy to talk about this stuff and i am sorry that you kept it to yourself for so very long. shame really does keep us quiet. not sure if i have shared here, but i experience childhood abuse too and was again sexually assaulted in my early 20's. i didnt talk about it with anyone for a long time, it was actually the assault in my 20's and me making a serious suicide attempt that made me start talking. with some pretty intense support, i was able to work through and process alot of that, but this recent incident has triggered alot for me. i am yet to tell anyone irl except my gp and now old psych. i have though, been able to talk to some folks online at 1800respect and then they told me about nswrapecrisis service. they both have a chat option and have been incredible helpful the last week.

you are a gem @Emelia8 i hope you know how loved you are