It’s not fun at all @Jynx . It’s not fun to walk away from people that are suppose to help, but don’t. Who are suppose to provide support and compassion, and they don’t. When they question you for why you told them what you did. When they don’t hear what you say. When they cut you off by standing up and ending your appointment. I’m exhausting going to appointments, being vulnerable and then walking away with nothing.
There have been so many times where I have thought I had found my people. I use to attend mops (mums of preschoolers) it’s a church run international organisation. I joined the year my marriage ended, my daughter was looked after by a team of lovely volunteers who ran the children’s program, while us mums were spoilt and blessed. We had a yummy morning tea, we learnt something new and then did a sweet little craft activity. The team that ran it were amazing. They were so kind, compassionate and really loved on me at a time where I felt so alone. After a year of attending I went on team to help run it. One mum named her daughter after me. Then 2 years later it closed. And slowly everyone stopped contacting me.
I had some really close friends T and K. I always hung out with them, always baby sat their girls, I was so looking forward to being mum friends together, she was my maid of honour. but they moved interstate just after I found out I was pregnant.
M, she was a really close friend. But again, she just stopped replying, stopped calling, stopped hanging out.
Then there was B. I poured so much into our friendship.
Same with R. Poured so much time and effort. But they both just disappear.
B and A. I am their daughters god mother. She was one of my bridesmaids. We hung out so much before I was married, after I was married. But when I separated they just disappeared.
S, we were both older unmarried women, who kinda hung out together. She was a bridesmaid. But I have no idea what happened there, I kinda feel like she went cold when she found out I was pregnant? I feel like I maybe offended her by telling her mum I was pregnant before I told her- it was the timing? There were reasons why.
Then there was K. Have you ever watched sweet magnolias? I get the impression it’s probably not your type of show @Jynx but they meet every Tuesday night for margaritas and they ‘pour it out’. I’ve just finished watching the latest season. And couldn’t help but think of a friendship group with K and A. We use to meet every Tuesday afternoon. We would pour it out, talk about everything and anything, pray for each other, support each other. We started meeting shortly after I had my D, so they supported me through all the issues I had with my ex prior to our separation, my separation and then divorce, she’s my daughters god parent. We didn’t drink margaritas though! We had tea, hot chocolates and chia. But then K went cold. We have no idea what happened. Still have no idea. But she’s not in my life anymore. A is. But our relationship is different. She’s my only consistent friend though.
So much loss. So much grief. I’ve had so many close friends over the years. People I’ve adored and cherish. I’m not the one to love bomb people, so it’s not like they run cause I smother them. I believe friendships are a two way thing, so I don’t expect all or nothing. And I know that people have lives outside of friendships. And I understand that people move on, they come and go.
But literally everyone??? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am not a good friend? Maybe I don’t hide enough of all the badness that’s inside of me and they actually see through the mask that I wear.
So now, I don’t bother. It’s too painful to let down the walls and let people in. It’s too painful to trust and to love.
I know you didn’t ask for all of that @Jynx . And I wasn’t expecting to write all that. It just kinda came out.
I feel incredibly sad and alone today. I feel a very dark and heavy grey cloud hanging over my head.
