My Mosaic

My team threatened me with the mental health act yesterday. Said if I don’t increase my intake then they would slap that on me and put me in hospital. I’ve been under the mental health act many a time, but only ever really to keep me in a psych ward to keep me safe. Never before to do…. physical invasive things to my body.
That’s if they even do that. They’ve said things before and not followed through.
Don’t want people touching my body. But also can’t do what they are asking me to do either. Feel like I wanna run. Far away. Leave everything behind. And just disappear.
You know @Jynx my girl has always been a protective factor for me. But these last weeks, it’s been different.

@Bow That is so rough hun. I know how important it is for you to have agency over your body. I can completely understand the uge to run away when it probably feels like the walls are closing in. Remind me - have you had much luck with the Butterfly Foundation? Or was that the one where you'd be on a waitlist forever and would be expensive to go to in-patient treatment?

I'm sad to hear that something has changed. What do you think has prompted the shift? Is it something worth diving a bit deeper into with your supports?

I spoke with the butterfly foundation this afternoon @Jynx I have been trying to connect with them for days. It’s hard to get on to them. They listen. But they overreact as soon as you mention any physical symptoms. They are just a helpline.

I don’t know what it is… I’ve just come to realise that she will be fine without me.

I'm glad you got through @Bow, and my apologies I thought they also had treatment programmes.

Hmm... I mean, none of us know how something is going to impact us until it does. Perhaps she would be fine eventually. But she won't be the same. And losing her mum when she's so young could definitely impact cognitive development. Sorry, might be getting too clinical now.

I am sorry to hear that your brain has been telling you stuff like that. Have you discussed it with your psych? It's definitely got me worried about ya. No matter what, please remember we all love you here. You are capable of breaking cycles, and finding joy again. I truly believe it. 💜

The butterfly foundation is closely linked with the place up in Queensland @Jynx called Wanda Nerida, but at 90k for an admission is out of reach for many people.
I’m too fat for the treatment centre in Sydney, they won’t even look at me.

She absolutely loves going to her dads. Has the best time. She will be fine there. And so will everyone else. Won’t even notice.

No I haven’t told my psychologist. Not sure I will.

That's so awful @Bow have they outright rejected you before have they? Ugh makes me so mad.

Well... I won't be fine. I'd be devastated. I'm sure many here would feel the same. I can really hear that your mind is trying to justify this as the right decision. I can't tell you what the right decision is, I can only tell you that the justifications may not be as true as your mind wants them to be.

I hope you do end up bringing it up w her, when the time is right. You deserve the opportunity to be able to talk it through to help you understand these feelings better. Another thing you could try writing down before a session, to help make it easier maybe?

My treatment team put in a referral for me and they wouldn’t put me on the wait list. Them kinda places are for the real thin underweight people. Sick. That really need it. According to them I am too fat and not sick enough.

who even determines who is sick enough?? Who determines who is worthy of getting help?? Who matters enough??

im not one of them. So I continue to be plagued with these demons in my head.

would you really? I’m just someone on the other side of the computer screen. I’d just disappear and never return. No one would even know. People come and go here all the time.
People come and go in real life all the time too. So many so called friends… I just never hear from them again. Thought ya meant something to someone.

think I’m too scared to bring up in all honesty.

@Bow ugh that's heinous. You're right - it sucks that someone gets to make these decisions that can be make or break for a person, without ever knowing that person. Was this long ago? Did you fight them on it? Could be worth trying again, maybe get some letters of support from your MH team. If it's bad enough that you've been hospitalised multiple times, surely that is grounds enough.

I would, really really. I mean come on, we've known each other for years now. Yes it's through a service, but that doesn't mean our relationship is meaningless. Nor any of the other relationships you've formed with other members and other staff. I might be behind a computer screen but I'm still a person. Here, look this is my hand:

It might not be much but it's me. I crossed my fingers because I'm hopeful for you, even when you're not. (Also PS please ignore the dinner plate in the background 😅)

Are any of these friends people that you'd consider reaching out to? A random message from an old friend can make someone's day.

I totally get it, that would be a super scary thing to talk about. Maybe even just practice writing it down, scribbley and unfiltered at first. Then you'll have had a bit of practice, and practice makes everything a little easier.

@Jynx Last year some time I think. Didn’t fight, why bother. They are the ones that make the decisions and they made a decision about me. Nothing has really changed, so I’m not sure it would be worth the effort to put the application together. I wouldn’t wanna waste their time anyways, and someone else’s opportunity to get try and get better. There are far more others out there that really want it and who are worth saving.

yeah ok. (Thanks for the pic of your hand) I just think of the many friends over the years that I have invested so much time and effort, let my guard down and trusted, built relationships with. And then they just disappear. Like I never existed. Just never hear from them again. I’ve reached out to some, but never hear anything back. Just makes me questions everything. Makes me questions their friendship in the first place and certainly makes me question letting anyone else ever again. I guess it kinda makes it easier to leave. Less people to consider. I’m sorry Jynx so sorry

@Bow fair enough, sounds like it might be more trouble than its worth. Could imagine it wouldn't be fun to be disappointed again.

It really saddens me that people have just stopped talking to you like that. That's really hard. I can totally understand that leading you into questioning all of your relationships and not wanting to try to make new ones. In my experience, making new friends can be super hard, but when you do find the right people, it's life-changing. I imgine it would not feel like something on the cards for you, but I hope you do find and forge some meaningful new relationships some day.

You don't have to be sorry Bow. I'm glad that we're here talking about it rather than you sitting with it on your own. I'll be logging off soon, but thinking of you. And can tag next @moderator to come sit with you if you need. 💜