My Mosaic

Just kept telling her I’d rather my body just give up and die

Hi @Bow

Why do you feel this way?

Sending lots of virtual hugs,

fluffylight x

It doesn’t matter @fluffylight i get into trouble when I talk about wanting to die. That’s all I want.

Hi @Bow

I think that is so valid 💛

I can hear that it's been hard for you today.

I'm sorry you feel like you would get into trouble, we can have a chat if you like.

fluffylight x

It’s 7pm and I have taken my meds and just crawled into bed. I told mum I was really tired, but truth is I feel unwell when doing anything but laying down. Don’t feel good at all when I get up.

keep thinking about my appointment today @fluffylight

I spent all of today in bed.. I can resonate with the laying down. @Bow

Lets talk about it if you like 🙂

Did you feel heard?

@fluffylight I really didn’t say too much to be honest. I always clam up when I go into those appointments. And my new psychologist sat in on the appointment and I wasn’t really sure how I felt about that to be honest.

my pdoc questioned me heaps about my eating and drinking and I guess spent a good chunk of the time trying to convince me that I needed to eat and drink more. Drink more specifically, electrolytes. But I said no. Not going to do it. That’s when she throws in the threats about the mental health act. She reckons she’ll put that on me, but me in hospital, hydrate me and get my electrolytes up again and then I’ll go home and start the whole process all over again, [edited by moderator] Vicious cycle.

Hey @Bow ,

I'm sorry to hear it is so tough for you tonight. I hear that your mind wants an out. It must be so difficult to sit with these thoughts.

As much as our guidelines so not permit people to share their plans and thoughts about dying, it does not stop you from journalling elsewhere in a way that works for you.

Even if you don't want to handwrite it, maybe you could put it in your phone or something? Of course, that's only if you feel getting these thoughts out helps.

We are just mindful that it may be a trigger for other people.

I hope that clarifies things.

Hmm this sounds like an unpleasant experience, I'm really sorry you had to experience this @Bow

Do you feel you need to eat and drink more? Is it something you would like to do?

It seems it is a regulation under the mental health act that if you are at risk to yourself or others, or if you are non-compliant with medication.

But feeling threaten is not a fair way to go about it or for you to feel..

fluffylight x

@fluffylight It’s usually how most of my pdoc appointments go when I am not eating or drinking much. Them trying to convince me to increase my intake and me refusing to do it. Last appointment there were a lot of empty threats too.

it’s not something that I want to do. My ED screams at me that I can’t do it. That I can’t put on anymore weight and that I need to lose more.

it is absolute torture when your body starts to shut down and becomes weak and you know that to feel better you need to eat and drink but there is absolutely no way you can do it.