My Mosaic

Thanks @Snowie

I went in to see my case manager this morning. She wasn’t in. Can’t help if her or her daughter are sick, but if only they knew how much of an effort it was to get there this morning.
I spoke with some random lady. She didn’t tell me her name, but she’s seen me before. So many members of that team are so much better than my CM. Sometimes I feel like my appointments with her are just a ticking of the box. This lady today seemed to of genuinely care. She had obviously had a read of my file before coming down. She asked a lot of questions. Expressed concern regarding a number of matters. My lack of oral intake being one of them. She asked if it was possible to see my dietitian more frequently and I can, I’m just not that sure how helpful it would be in all honesty. When I have zero desire to increase my intake what’s the point? I know what I should be doing. I know what I need to be doing. But I don’t want to. My eating disorder is far too strong and in control to even consider increasing my intake. So why waste my dietitians time and my time and money.
She said she had to check in and ask about my SI. I was kinda honest. But not really. Are we ever??? They ask have things progressed to having a plan. I always have a plan in the back of my head. It’s my go to. It’s always there. If I need it. Do things go as far as starting to gather things though? That’s the question I struggle to answer. I was not honest.
I rated my SI a 8/10 this morning.

Hi @Bow

I'm sorry to hear that your CM wasn't there, but glad you at least got to speak to someone. This lady seemed to genuinely care about you.

Your ED seems to be very strong. I know how difficult it is for you to talk about it.

It is hard to be honest about our SI, I get that. I get scared that if I am honest, my psych wouldn't let me leave her office. I'm not sure about others, but plans constantly swirl around in my head too.

Sorry that your SI is so high.

Thank you for replying @Snowie

sunk further down this afternoon. In a pit I can’t get out of.

im such a horrible person so dam selfish

@Bow you're not selfish hon nor a terrible person. I can understand those thoughts though.

I can come sit with you. I could use the company too

Hi @Bow

How are you feeling?

I want to remind you that you are not horrible or selfish.. I am curious to know why you feel this way?

Sending lots of light x

Why am I a horrible and selfish human being?? Cause my step dad is declining, he hasn’t eaten in 5 days and is hardly able to drink anything, so he is getting closer to death. And here I am. Getting closer to death myself by choice. I don’t want to be here anymore. Don’t wanna do this thing called existing anymore. That is why I am horrible and selfish.

Thank you for sharing this @Bow

This pit you've sunk in doesn't sound nice..

You are human and feeling like this doesn't sound horrible or selfish to me. But I want to acknowledge that you are feeling this way 💛

I'm sorry about your step dad ❤️

fluffylight x

Oh it does make me horrible. It does make me selfish. Im not a nice person. How can someone in this situation, facing a death of a loved one, be so adamant on wanting to die themselves by ending their life pure evil and nasty

It makes sense to me that you are facing your own struggles and this might be a solution in protecting the part of you that doesn't want to be here. @Bow

What does it feel like for you?

Not real sure I understand what you are saying @fluffylight

all I know is I am tired of being a burden to everyone, tired of wasting services time and resources- I’m a burden on society and everyone will be better off without me around.