My Mosaic

I’m super tired this morning. Didn’t get home until 10pm and asleep by about 11pm. We had a really good time. We went to the DFO before hand and did some shopping and then made our way to Disney on ice. D was so excited and wore her Elsa dress. Really enjoyed the show.

While out my psychologist called. Was not at all expecting the call cause I was told she wouldn’t be back until Friday. She has booked me in for an appointment next Wednesday morning. Not real sure what to think about it all now.

My step dad is still in hospital. Mum said he was heaps emotional yesterday and cried a lot.

Im still in bed. Don’t really wanna get up cause I know once I’m up I’ll have to get on the treadmill and I really don’t wanna do that today. Too tired. Sigh 😩

I’m not sure the purpose of posting here again. I know nothing is ever really gonna change how I feel inside. The utter desperation I feel of not wanting to be here but not being able to go has got the better of me today. It’s just too much. I came across an old stash I’d forgotten about. I remember stashing them in a pencil case at the very bottom one time I went into hospital, wanted to make sure I had access to a few extras for when they refuse to give me anymore.

I feel utterly stupid and can’t face my case manager after last week. I do now have an appointment with my psychologist next week but I really don’t see the point. I have all these people around me but I have absolutely zero hope. I don’t think anyone can help me anymore. No one can help save me.

What goes on inside my head relentlessly I’m exhausted from it. The darkness. It’s scary.

Hi @Bow ,

I'm hearing how hard it is to sit with these feelings right now. As much as it seems these dark moments will be there forever, I believe and hold onto hope for you.

Allow yourself to have healing. Practice that self-compassion. Our minds may tell us that an 'out' is easier, yet at the same time, it means we haven't given ourselves the chance.

Give yourself permission to heal.

I'm saying this from someone who has experienced very much hurt in life. My each day was as dark as could be. I never saw hope. At the most difficult times, others had to carry me through. But ultimately, I had to do the hard work and allow myself to live.

You are not alone.

I’ve given myself many chances @tyme and so have many other people. Everyone is sick of me. I am sick of me. They are sick of having to carry me all the time.

Without sounding harsh, this may be your turning point. I don't know if I have shared with you before, but I was told pretty bluntly by someone once, "You'll get better once you are sick of being sick". This has always stuck with me @Bow .

I have faith and hope in you that things will get better. It did for me, and I'm not better than anyone else.

I got no fight left though @tyme

your one of the lucky ones

I didn't have fight left in me... that's why I got better @Bow . I no longer had the energy to fight, so I just gave in to what my team told me to do...

I had had enough. I was tired of being tired. Sick of being sick. Sick of myself...

It's not because I was lucky. There's nothing lucky about me. I used to think I was cursed to have such a horrible life.

Would you consider reaching out and speaking to someone tonight @Bow ?

Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/

Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

Samaritans 135 247 https://thesamaritans.org.au/