My Mosaic

Hate nausea @Jynx I’ve tried to before but can never do it

i don’t like tea unfortunately

should just be stronger n not eat then I won’t feel like this

@Bow I think there is a lot of strength required regardless. Withstanding the nausea, the thoughts, pushing your mind or pushing your body. It's a rough gig.

Mm tea for sure isn't for everyone. I've got a sweet tooth and find that putting honey in makes it much tastier (cos sometimes it really do just taste like leaf water lol) but I think peppermint in particular can be good for upset tummies. Same with fresh (like raw) ginger, if you have any.

I get so angry and frustrated with myself. Why can’t I just do it???

just need to start and get the ball rolling.

I wish I liked tea. It feels like there is something soothing about sitting down with a cuppa @Jynx

@Bow Can I just ask for clarity on what you want to start?

It can be very soothing - I guess like many things in life, it's the ritual aspect. I've found ritual to be super helpful in my life. It usually sounds like a magic/spirituality word, but to me ritual is like routine. I have a ritual around my morning cuppa, and around my evening wind down.

I guess in terms of starting things, that is one of the big barriers - if something isn't part of our daily rituals, it is gonna be that much harder to get stuck into it hey.

Yeah rituals are a bit like routines. Certain ways that we do things.
wanna start restricting… no need to start restricting. And get back into exercise. Gave myself a couple of days to settle back into home after getting outta hospital. Then it was the weekend. D is back at school tomorrow so think tomorrow will be a good day to start it all

Sorry to read your ED is so loud, @Bow 😞

I hope you can restrict the restricting, if possible... 🤞

Sending 💜

Thanks @NatureLover today is already feeling hard

Had an appointment with my case manager, but she is off sick. Seen someone else, one of the ladies that did the home visit and ended up taking me off to hospital last time. Kinda nice to see her since I haven’t seen her since she sent me to hospital. But it’s always hard seeing someone other than my case manager. My CM is probably going to be off all week too. This other lady A, said I looked sad. Yeah. I tried to explained some of the noise that’s inside my head. The intense self hatred that I feel towards myself. The constant battle over wanting to restrict my intake. Ah gosh it’s sucks, it’s never ending.
and to top it all off I’m starting to have a lot more flashbacks again. They had settled a bit, but nope, my body wants to keep reminding me of what happened when my brother was born.

when am I going to get a break????

D and I might be going down to tassie in the school holidays. My brother is down there. His got cancer and is having chemo every fortnight. My dad is currently down there with him but will be heading home to country vic/nsw. My brother asked why can’t my mum go down and spend time with him. He has intellectual disabilities as well, and doesn’t really understand the extent of my step dads worsening condition. Mum had to be blunt with him and tell him that he is bedridden and dying. Still don’t think he understands. But anyways, that’s why mum can’t go down there. There was talk of my brother coming up here for a bit. Apparently he could have chemo up here. But his oncologist said no. So now maybe we will go down there. Maybe the break will be nice.

life feels like is just keeps throwing things at me. I’m tired of being knocked over all the time. My night meds really don’t help me. I’m sleeping really badly. I’m tired. So tired.

Well done on being positive about seeing someone else @Bow. I’m still struggling with not seeing my old CM. I’ve gone to email her a few times as to what I did wrong for her to give up on me.

Maybe going to see your brother would be a good thing. Something to look forward too. Something you need to stay well for.

I get the tired thing. I’m going back to bed now.

I’m like that with my old psychologist @Captain24 struggling to accept that I won’t be seeing her anymore but she is still in the service, just a different role. Not sure I can trust my new psych…. Doesn’t help that I haven’t had a positive experience with her the two times that I’ve had contact with her. Think I will constantly compare her to my old psych.

im really struggling to find motivation to do things. I’ve sat around today and done nothing. There is a list of things I could have done. My friend texted me to invite me out tomorrow with a couple of other ladies. Anxiety through the roof just thinking about it. I can’t go. I badly need a shower. Ashamed to admit I stink. My scalp is itchy which means I need to wash my hair too. My peer worker social support person is doing a home visit tomorrow and I know she will pressure me into attending activities. Again I just can’t do it. I just wanna hide.