My Mosaic

I was very anxious about seeing my psychologist this morning. Wasn’t sure whether I could go through with it. Whether I could be able to hold myself together. But I made it. I went. I took my journal with everything I wrote about how I was feeling with her leaving. I was very hesitant in giving it to her, felt stupid some of the things that I had written. But I handed it over. She read it, I cried. Then she addressed every point that I made, not necessarily giving excuses, but validating what I wrote, apologising for some things, reassuring at other points. I cried a whole lot more.

She doesn’t know who will be taking over yet. And I kinda think, by some things that she said last week and today that she isn’t actually leaving the centre, just changing positions. Which kinda makes it feel harder, cause I may bump into her occasionally.

She then wanted to check in with me how things are at home. And how I’ve been going with my SI. I explained in very few words that it’s continued to be a massive struggle. She asked if I had done anything to prepare myself to act on anything. Is amazing what silence can tell. We talked some more… or more like she talked, I nodded or shook my head and eventually agreed that I would bring down to her this afternoon the things that I had stashed away. There was a lot of discussion about hospital, ambulances, but I didn’t want either or them. But I sat there in tears knowing something needed to be done. I grabbed my journal back off her and turned to the back and explained that I wrote something else a couple of days ago and hesitantly handed it to her. It read that I needed the decision taken out of my hands before I take things into my own hands. And what I needed that to look like.

now I am really freaked out. I’m going back down there this afternoon. Will hand my stash over. And the plan was that my psychologist would discuss with my pdoc and CM or whoever about a planned admission. It’s not at all what I want. But I guess what I want and what I need is a huge difference?? I’m very scared. Mum doesn’t know anything.

Well done for sharing your journal with them. @Bow I don’t know what to say. Just that I’ve heard you.

Im sitting with you and will be thinking of you this afternoon.

Hi @Bow,

You did really well to go to your psychologist this morning despite feeling very anxious. I'm sure the psychologist appreciated you sharing your journal and your thoughts with them. I think that was really brave of you. I also think you made a good point when you said sometimes what we want and want we need aren't the same thing.

We are sitting with you and sending understanding and hugs.

FloatingFeather ❤️

Hugs @Bow xx

Oh dear @Bow

Your psychologist sounds so supportive.

Well done hon for being so brave and taking your journal and letting her read it. You would have needed so much courage to do that, and you should be super proud of yourself for being able to do it.

You are so right about what we need versus what we want. I so felt this way before I went into hospital myself. No doubt you are scared hon. There are so many questions to be answered and unfortunately a lot of the times we don't have the answers for ourselves.

I hope this afternoon went ok for you @Bow Please remember we are here for you.

I can relate to so much you have said. It is so hard to be honest like that, especially when we have kids involved. Sitting here with you hon through all of this. You are not alone. 💗💗💗

Thanks @Snowie @Shaz51 @FloatingFeather @Captain24

Im sitting in the ED waiting to be seen by the mental health team. Im all alone. Scared.

I went back to community mh this afternoon as agreed. My psychologist and case manager were there waiting for me. My psychologist took a photo copy of my journal that I showed her and she had shown my pdoc who wanted me to be admitted straight away. No planned admission. My psychologist called and informed my mum and my case manager followed me home and let me pack some things and then took me in. She sat and waited for a little while but obviously couldn’t stay forever.

I’ve just been seen by a doc. He gave me some food cause I haven’t eaten. Egg mayo sandwich. Im trying to eat it, I need to try really hard to eat in here so it doesn’t turn into a lengthy medical admission. The doc has basically cleared me I think, encouraged me not to scratch at my hands, made a mess since being here already. And just waiting to see mental health and then a bed.

@Bow

Firstly thanks for keeping as up to date with what is happening.

No doubt it is scary hon, especially being alone at the hospital.

I hope you are able to eat at least a little and that they can get you a bed soon.

Sitting here with you hon. We are here for you and I will sit here for as long as you need 💗💗

Thanks for letting us know @Bow.

Im here with you too.

Sending loads of hugs

Sitting with you and sending you virtual hugs @Bow - I think you are brave for speaking your truth. I hope you are okay and that you are being well taken care of.

FloatingFeather ❤️

I believe I’ve just been seen by a mental health person. His badge said clinical nurse, but I remember him from a previous admission. He just let me know that he has spoken with community mh and asked if I was ok with being admitted. Now just waiting for a bed. He said it maybe a bit of a wait, but not overnight and if it was he would get me a bed down here… won’t hold him to that though! The doc I seen said he would write me up for some prn. I reminded the clinical nurse of that and he said he would chase it up.

so just more waiting.