Feeling incredibly flat and depressed today.
Went to church this morning. Made sure we got there as it started as to not have to chat and mingle and then left as soon as it was over. Daughter had begged to go. I really didn’t want to go at all.
community mh came by not long after we got home. Didn’t know either of the ladies. Had hoped it would be ‘Deb’, but it wasn’t. Everyone comes and admires my space… my paintings, my plants, my Lego plants, the cat. One of them asked how my thoughts were, I said not great. But it was left at that.
my hand is extremely sore and swollen today. I covered it at church. Didn’t want people commenting on it.
I’ve set up my space ready to start on a new painting. Adjusted the easel, canvas up and clean brushes etc. but now I don’t feel like doing any. I’ve crawled into bed.
im due to see my psychologist tomorrow. I’m really anxious. Will I be able to hold it together??? I’ve been doing what she encouraged me to do… write everything down about how I am feeling with her leaving. I feel like I’ll probably end up in tears again. Not sure how I’ll go making eye contact with her, I noticed last week, after her telling me, I couldn’t look at her again.
After seeing my psychologist I assume I’ll be seeing my case manager to talk about what a planned admission could look like. I’m scared about that too.
gotta get through the rest of today now though. I’d really like to just sleep, disappear. I’m scared of the future. I don’t wanna face it.
