My Mosaic

hi @Bow

Sorry to hear last week wasn't the best, but today is a new start to a fresh week.

Just dropping in some love and hugs for you and hoping your psych appointment goes well today. You are always worth the fight hon, you are so special to us.

💗💗🤗🤗

I managed to get myself to my psychologist appointment this morning. She was so kind and gentle. She had seen from my case managers notes from last week that things haven’t been ok and I told her they still aren’t.
I admitted to her that I had again came very close again over the weekend and we discussed at length a hospital admission. She could see the significant decline in my mood over the last couple of weeks. I shared with her my healthy adult words that I have continued to try and write each night…. But that there was a lot of helpless bow words in there too. She said it all really warranted an admission- which I know I probably really need but want to avoid due to a number of reasons. So my psychologist organised an urgent appointment with my psychiatrist after my appointment with her.
My pdoc talked about an admission too 😩 but we decided to trial a sleeping tablet and I will see her again next Monday. Perhaps if I get some sleep everything else won’t feel so overwhelming. But from my understanding this sleeper is only short term, then what???? So although maybe this will be some short term solution, I don’t hold much hope long term still.
My psychologist will be in touch every day she is in this week and she would talk with my case manager also. I also agreed to allowing my psychologist call and speak with my mum and tell her where I am at.

My mood is so incredibly low. And my SI so incredibly high.

Hang in there @Bow you're doing so well. Sleep can make all the difference. I know I feel like a different person after a decent sleep (doesn't happen very often!) but it's amazing when it does. Please take care 💝

Hugs my @Bow ❤️

💜🙏💜 @Bow

@Bow I am glad you are reaching out for help hon. I realise how hard it is to do that in the first place. It does show how much strength, courage and determination you have got. We cannot do this by ourselves, sometimes we need that extra support.

I know you don't want to go into hospital and I completely understand, especially when you have your daughter to think about too. But please think about the long term. Think about how much a hospital admission might help for you. Sometimes we have to put our needs first, even if it is doing something we don't want to do.

I am starting my 5th week in hospital and can finally say that I am coming home this Friday. When I first came in, I never thought I would be in for this long, but I know I needed to do something to help myself. Yes I did have my gp, psych and pdoc supporting me, but it just wasn't enough at the time. I know my kids are older than your daughter, but at the end of the day them growing up without their mother would be so hard for them. I can say this now, but if I didn't have come in here then I would have ended things already. I wouldn't be able to see a future. Yes I still have a long way to go and will still have many ups and downs, but I would not be here to write this to you.

I know life isn't that simple @Bow, and going into hospital takes a lot of courage too, but please remember that you need to do what is best for you, regardless of others. I don't want this to be about me, but I wanted you to know that you are not doing this by yourself. I completely understand where you are coming from and how hard it is to deal with those SI thoughts.

We are all here for you hon. Here to help in any way we can. Please keep reaching out for help here and in your life. YOU are so worth it.

Such a beautiful message of hope @Snowie 😊

Thank you @Snowie @Paperdaisy @Eve7 @Shaz51

@Snowie you make many very good points, some of which I discussed with my psychologist today. She point out the long term benefits of short term admission, as long as it only stays a short term admission. I guess some keys things that make an admission difficult me at the moment;

- is the added pressure that it would put on my mum given the current situation with my step dad. She relies on me so much for so many things. My psych mentioned foster care for my daughter if that was needed, and also a close friend or my brother, all last resorts if it was too much for my mum. I’m sure at the end of the day my mum would be ok, I just feel so guilty. So bad, that I can’t sort my head out when my step dad is dying.
- I am also super concerned that my ex will find out. The last thing I need is him knowing that I am in hospital again and in a psych ward! He could use it against me. If I was to have an admission I would have from one Thursday til the following Friday to be able to hide it from him. After that my daughter would see him and tell him where I am.

- Then there is my eating disorder. A psych admission has never been good for my eating disorder. The last few times I’ve had an admission I have quit eating, I become medically unstable, get transferred out of psych onto a medical ward and then end up being in there for weeks. It’s just what happens. Eating feels like the only thing I can control in there, especially when I am involuntary.

so hopefully these new meds can help. And then maybe we can address my mood. And I can do all that without giving into these horrible SI urges.

Hugs @Bow . Sounds like there some progress?