My Mosaic

im feeling really confused this afternoon. feeling overwhelmed with the mess thats inside my head

Are you back home now @Bow ?

yes @Emelia8

@Bow 🤗💞

While I was away I was so desperate to come home cause I wasn’t coping. But now that I am home I realise I don’t want to be here either cause it’s just as bad. While away I wanted my safe haven, yet I don’t feel safe at home. I don’t know what is going on I feel so confused.

On the drive home I nearly made a really scary decision, I didn’t though, I didn’t do it. I’ve been crying all evening about how stupid I feel, how dangerous that decision could of been. How easily I could of done it and how easily it could of all been over.

Dealing with a lot of anger inside me tonight. Angry at how I dealt with the week away, how bad my sh is getting and that everything just feels so out of control, worse than before. I want to restrict, I need to get some kind of control back in my life before I do something else.

I’m so ashamed of the person I am becoming. I feel terrible that this pdoc is coming into his office on Aus day to see me, I’m not worth it. I don’t even know if I’ll get there. Just don’t know.

I want to feel. I need to feel something. I wish I could sleep, I need to sleep and not wake. I can’t even begin to figure out how to face tomorrow feeling this way.

So sorry @Bow

I wish I knew how to take the pain away for you. Are you safe tonight, now hunny?

Thanks @Anastasia @outlander ...

I wish there was an easy way for it to be over without hurting anyone, without any pain. Just for me to leave without any consequences. I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know who I have become. Trauma left me broken, mental illness stamped upon me. I don’t know what to do with the darkness that’s inside me. Where do I go when I cant stand living in my own head. Thers is no escape, nowhere to run from this pain filled cage.

I hear you @Bow and so wish I could help you get through this intense emotional torment.

Sadly I have nothing. But I am worried about you and pray that you stay safe precious girl. Would you perhaps be able to talk to one of the @Former-Member via email? It may help.

Emelia 😔💔 👀👂