it just all feels too hard.
i crashed hard after our lovely day at the beach yesterday. as soon as i knew we were going to the beach, a few days before, i started stressing about and thinking about the food that i would eat while out. we always have fish and chips when we go to the beach. i was already feeling anxious about it, the fried food, the ice cream that we would eat on the way home. a tiny part of me wanting to enjoy these treats with my daughter, but a big part of me was fighting it. but i ate it. and felt horrible afterwards. i am glad that my daughter fell asleep on the way home and i didnt have to entertain her with conversation cause my mind was totally else where, wanting to punish myself for it. i so badly want to really restrict because of it. last night did not end well and today has been a massive struggle.
today i went to a friends house for a swim and had lunch. a meal in front of people. and i knew that because mum is onto my eating habits, she will still make me eat dinner. havent been in a good head space all afternoon cause of it. i dont want to eat. i asked her what she wanted to do for dinner, offering to cook as she was busy outside and she said she'd grab something later as i had had lunch and wouldnt be eating. i was shocked. but happy. shocked that she wasnt making me eat dinner. yet a part of me feels disappointed. disappointed that she is not caring about my food intake again? i feel so incredible alone again. so alone.
i have been waiting all day for my gp to call with my blood results, they have stayed the same, so wants to repeat them again on friday ready for my appointment on monday. she asked how i was- i said not great. she asked how my eating was going, i said its a struggle. she asked if im eating my banana, i lied. she asked if i was able to keep myself safe, i lied. i feel terrible. i feel so guilt. this is all too hard. i dont wanna do it anymore. i cant get out of this stupid situation that i have put myself in. i feel so lethargic today. i cant do it. im too tired to fight. too tired to care.
Adge
