My Mosaic

things have felt really weird today. like I'm not really present, have felt really disconnected from what's going on around me. DBT was really hard, couldn't stay focus on what was being spoken about and couldn't engage with the discussions. sometimes things don't even feel real or things that should feel familiar don't. a couple of times I've even got to a state of almost panic, cause things just feel so not right and i don't know why???

Morning @Bow,

Stopping by to say I'm sorry to hear you were feeling disconnected yesterday, it can be a really scary experience when that happens. When I've been through periods of high stress I've felt a fair amount of depersonalisation, which then makes me feel anxious and then bam, panic attacks!

For me I think it occurs when I'm in a situation that triggers a trauma response, and that can be any number of events. I'm wondering if this is something you've chatted about with your therapist?

thanks for responding @Former-Member i sent my psychologist an email yesterday just so i could let her know what was happening cause i may not remember to tell her next week.

Today isnt such a good day. its 5 years since i called it quits on my marriage. i always said that it wasnt something that i wanted to remember. that i would just let the day come and go, but its hard when my marriage.... what happened in it and it ending has made my life spiral out of control so much. i believe it is at the root of everything that is happening for me at the moment.

i was only married for 2 yrs when i uncovered who my now ex husband really was. Those 2 years were never great. Our 'honeymoon' period did not last very long and now looking back i wish i had gone with my gut and had never said yes, but then i would not have my gorgeous daughter. so its hard. It felt like we were constantly at war with each other, and mostly because my ex was a compulsive liar and i just grew very quickly to not trust him, which in course made me not believe a thing he said or did. i second guessed his motives.

I still very clearly remember the night that i discovered who he really was. when he was out and had left his phone at home. i thought that i had married a good christian man. a leader in his church. people looked up to him, viewed him so highly. but he lived a vulger and dark secret life that noone knew anything about. the things that i read, the things that he did and said made me feeel sick. who was he???? i felt so broken. he never did anything physical to me, but i felt so dirty.

After i had had some time to process what i had uncovered and after i had sought some good counsel, i had decided to give him 6 mths to sort himself out and prove that we should stay together. those 6 mths were the hardest. i was so unhappy. i looked for reasons to call it quits and eventually it all happened. it was over. and life has spiralled since then.

2 years ago, i went looking for a psychologist to help me work through all of this, to process my broken dreams, but i look back and everything else that has happened since then and i havent even touched on any of this. id like to take responsibility for my actions in our marriage ending, but when i take a hard look, there are very few things that i did wrong. i know it takes 2, but i honestly tried. i gave him a second chance when i had every right to walk away straight away. i still have so much anger towards him. its always there, just simmering away in the background of everything that happens.

@Bow aww anniversaries can be so so hard! Thank you for taking the time to share this, I think it's so important to talk about. I can hear you're also in a space of reflection, thinking about how it is continuing to impact you even today. You are allowed to feel and express that anger!

Also sounds like there's a lot of stuff that has been kinda put on the back burner, so I commend you for taking the time to talk about it. Here to listen if you feel like there's more you want to say, or if you just want someone to sit with you 💜

He destroyed so much for me…. And in me @Jynx so many dreams…. And for my daughter to. I can see in ways, how his actions have had a flow on affect for her to. And his just out there living his merry little life. He has no idea. Just know that if he didn’t do what he did…. If I didn’t marry him even, then where might my life be now????

there is a lot that I haven’t spoken about… to anyone. I didn’t tell many people at the time cause I wanted to protect him… but why? Why should I of protected him?? We have occasionally spoken about him in my sessions with my psychologist… mostly when it comes to my daughter.

@Bow So many ripple-effects for you and your little one. Sometimes when I find myself stuck in loops about what could have been, I can get really down. I try to shift focus to what might still be, and what that tells me about what I want and need in my life so I can try to work towards it. It's such a tough journey though hey. And well, to me, your desire to protect him speaks to your incredibly kind-hearted nature. You could have walked away from it with spite and cynicism but I don't really get that impression from you. That takes a whole lotta integrity!

Thank you for sharing Bow 🤗💜

Thanks @Jynx

and yes…. Many ripple effects eh.

hmmmm… ‘what might still be’…? I keep reading that and I don’t know the answer…

many thanks @creative_writer

Sometimes SI is so bloody overwhelmingly intense. It hits me hard. The fierce and enormous feelings of just not wanting to be here anymore. When everything feels so dark and depressive. Yet there is also a peacefulness surrounding it. When the two polar opposite’s collide. This is tonight.