My Mosaic

how do people genuinely keep going? how do you keep living when its always so painful? when its always so hard? every single day is a hard effort. when quitting feels like a really good option.

i really want to go. i dont want to stay anymore.

please no email. im doing my best to do the right thing. but its real bloody hard today.

Hi @Bow,

We are hearing it must be a really hard day with everything you are going through at the moment, and it being your birthday. I am so sorry to hear the pain you are holding today- it sounds like there is a lot on your shoulders.

I am worried for your safety, it sounds like you are having thoughts of suicide today- I want you to know you are not alone, and acknowledge your honesty with us about how you are feeling. I know you have mentioned you would prefer we don't email right now, and we want to respect that boundary you have set.

Are you able to stay safe for now?

I know you have a good understanding of the services that are most supportive of you in a crisis, and I want to encourage you to access crisis support now, or if you are feeling unsafe today. I'll include the link for some crisis support options too in case you need them: https://saneforums.org/t5/Need-Help-Now/ct-p/need-help-now

We do want to sit with you through this time, and be here for you when you are feeling pain We have had a few conversations about the limits of what SANE can provide in crisis, so I hope we can be part of the support for you today alongside crisis services to ensure you have the level of support you deserve right now

Take care Bow, sitting here with you and sending thoughts your way!

Thanks for your reply @Daisydreamer

I’m honestly not sure what a crisis service can do though. Not when I’m here. Like this. Sorry

Well I made it to the end of the day. Family over for dinner. Cake. Why are birthdays so hard? It’s like it’s for everyone else. Told myself I wouldn’t do anything stupid until all the usual celebrations are over. Didn’t wanna ruin it for everyone. Now I have collapsed into bed.

@Bow I'm really sorry to hear your birthday was so hard, and you didn't /don't want to be here in life any more 😞

You asked how people keep going when they feel like that...I've been suicidal a lot over my life, although not for 13 years now. I remember my severe nervous breakdown 13 years ago when I was intensely suicidal and spent 3 years in bed...I remember sitting on my hands so I wouldn't do anything bad...I also remember holding onto the smallest things to keep myself alive, like a text message from a friend that I wasn't even up to replying to, or promising myself that I could get a pizza that evening if I just stayed alive that day. I knocked myself out with books (I prefer books to TV) as much as I could, even though it was hard to concentrate. I don't really know how I got through 3 years of it.

I am sending wishes for you... 💙

Thank you for sharing how you have got through some of your darkest days @NatureLover I really do appreciate it.

yesterday was really hard. Promised myself I only had to get through the day and then I could do whatever I wanted to do. I reached out to a helpline and was told to go away. I went and took a handful of meds and went to bed.

today has been horrible. I exercise to keep myself safe. If I’m pushing myself on exercise equipment then I am not trying to end it all. But there is only so much exercise I can do.
I’ve kept myself busy doing other things for part of the afternoon. Cleaning and tidying things up. Now that it’s evening, and I sit here feeling terrified of what I could be capable of doing.

@Bow Coping is coping, even when it's unhealthy. I know you can keep yourself safe, you are an amazing fierce fighter. Of course, I wish you didn't have to be 😢

Being knocked back from a helpline can certainly be really discouraging. I hope you do find the courage to try again though, as it might just be exactly what you need next time. And if not, then at least you're a little closer to bed time.

Nights are the hardest, but we're here with you. 💜

Sorry to hear today has been hard for you hon @Bow

Nights are extremely hard. I find them the hardest too.

Sitting here with you 💗💗

Nights are the worst. When the sun sets and everything goes quiet, my mind awakes and becomes even louder than it is during the daylight hours.
argh so loud mean and nasty

@Bow sending gentle vibes to you. Maybe you could try saying some kind words out loud to yourself? It might feel a little weird but it’s helped me many times in the past.

Bed time closing in right? Hopefully you can succumb to slumber soon 🤞🏻💜