My Mosaic

Sometimes the overwhelm is too much and it's hard to imagine continuing on. How do I do this?

Hi there @Bow
sounds as though you are in emotional pain?

You have such an incredible ability to reach out when you need support.

I’m just wondering if you have been able to check in with any of those supports outside of the forums today?

And would that help do you think - to have that extra padding around you at the moment?

What might work for you right now?

@Former-Member I seen my eating disorder psychiatrist this morning and then my psychologist... double whammy.

I don't even remember what I talked to my psychologist about. Just feel like I waste her time. She sees how little I eat and how much I exercise I do.

My ED psychiatrist talked to me about a planned admission and what that might look like and would work best for me. She said the way that I am going I will need it very soon as my body is not coping. Just don't think people understand how difficult being in hospital is, whether planned or not. I'm a mum. I need to be at home. But I am a complete failure. I am useless. A mess.

I feel so incredibly trapped. I just want out.

Hey @Bow, i'm moderating this evening.

I can understand why you're torn between needing to be with your daughter and also needing help for the ED. Sounds like an awful spot to be in 😞

From your previous posts on the forums I can definitely tell you that you are not useless or a failure. I can imagine those thoughts would be making you feel worse right now.

Please reach out to a crisis service if you're feeling unsafe at any point. You can also talk to a counsellor on our helpline (outside of crisis).

How will you look after yourself tonight?

Much care,

Sphinxly

Thanks @Former-Member i spent some time watering my plants.

everything is still there though. All feels unfixable

@Bow That sounds nourishing (for you and the plant!)

You're sitting with a lot. Just know that we are here right beside you.

@Former-Member , and I am sitting with you my friend xx @Bow ❤❤❤

I don’t think you can ever explain the feeling to somebody who hasn’t felt it before.

The feeling of absolute desperation.

The feeling of deepest desires for for silence.

The absolute chaotic and desperate plea for just one moment, one hour, one seconds break.

The feeling deep down in your bones. In the pit of your stomach.

It’s absolute darkness and when the light tries to creep in, it slams it out again with such force, the light is not for you.

That feeling of curling up in a ball and wondering if everything will ever be better, wondering how things could possible feel lighter, when everything you feel is as heavy as it has ever been.

Wishing on the stars, hoping, praying on your knees, whatever way best suits you, to please just make it all stop, make it disappear. But painfully knowing that it never will be.

The desperation of needing to feel something other than the pain deep in your stomach. You scream, nothing comes out. You punch a wall, you hurt yourself, but it doesn’t help. Everything is still so painfully numb.

It’s the heaviest of weighs crushing you to the ground. Gripping at your chest. You wonder how you will ever be able to breath again, live again or even exist.

It will never go away.

It will always stay the same.

Until you realise this life wasn’t meant for you.

Hi lovely @Bow How are you doing this morning? 💝

Hi @Paperdaisy I'm tired, did not have a good night last night and my body hurts but can't stop today, need to fight the urges.