My Mosaic

Why's it all gotta be so blinking hard???

why are words so hard to find when it's important to tell people how bad it is???

Heya @Bow . I've always believed that words have a lot of power - more than we realise. Maybe the reason it's so hard is because the ED monster knows that talking about it will empower your healthy self, and disempower the ED part of you?

Maybe it's hard because when we say things aloud, it's like they're suddenly more true - like having the real world be witness to them means that the words are real. So to admit you're not okay, to say out loud the things that are like daggers in the mind, that hurts a LOT. Talking about my feelings was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in therapy, so... I get it.

But I also noticed that the more I spoke aloud the horrible thoughts in my brain, the less they hurt when they returned later. Especially when saying these horrible things aloud was met with empathy and gentleness from my psych. Because then when the thoughts returned as they always did, one of the things I could do is start to respond to them with that same empathy. That's just my experience of course, but I hope it helps.

I'm here to listen, if there's any words or thoughts that you feel you wanna get off your chest

Yeah when I say them they are more true more real. If I keep them inside no one else knows... they don't exist. But they are. They cause so much trouble inside. If I let them out I'll get in trouble. They'll take me away. Lock me up

I tried calling my psych she was with someone and I think I've probably missed her now. Don't know what to do

I can't say more words @Jynx they are not good not ok

@Bow They still exist inside, very true. They can still hurt. I agree that the experience of saying things out loud can make them feel more real, more painful. In my experience, it also means they are no longer locked inside - it's like sharing them with someone else means that that person can hold onto some of the emotions for you. One of my mottos - what's shareable is bearable.

You don't have to express anything here you don't want to of course. I think sharing things that are super heavy and intense is usually safer to do within a therapy context.

Did you try your psych one more time? I'm sorry to hear that tonight is so hard for you Bow. Do you think you could call a helpline too?

What's shareable is bareable.., I like that @Jynx

I didn't try my psych again and she didn't call me back. They close at 5pm. Probably seen that I called and didn't want to deal with me tonight.

don't think I can call a helpline they can't help don't think I have many words that wouldn't result in action being taken

sorry I'll go

@Bow it can certainly feel like your psych doesn't want to deal with you - however, the truth is far more likely to be that your psych just hasn't seen it, or has other commitments, or is dealing with their own stuff at the moment. I sincerely doubt it's an active avoidance. I used to make assumptions like that all the time. It's a really tricky habit to break, but telling yourself that you are making an assumption and a hurtful one at that can be helpful. Since words have power, you could practice saying it out loud for yourself? Something like "I know my psych does care about me, and not hearing back could be for all sorts of different reasons."

Sounds like you're having a pretty rough time of it tonight, if you feel like expressing yourself honestly to someone would result in action. Which tells me that perhaps you aren't sure yourself if you are safe? Maybe have a think about whether giving triage another go could be the best course of action for yourself for tonight?

And well.. maybe calling a helpline won't help, won't change how you feel - but it would potentially be a solid half hour or so closer to bed time, and sometimes that can be pretty helpful.

Hey @Bow this is really concerning, so I'm going to flick you an email okay?

Sending lots of love, lots of hugs and lots of prayers. Sitting with you right now @Bow

💛💙💚

I reached out for help yesterday afternoon, but my psych was busy and then it was the end of the day and she didn't return my call. It takes a lot to even make that call. But I get it, I left it till the end of the day to make the call, even though the receptionist said she would get her to call me back.

Last night I again reached out cause, well, I wasn't ok. I called community mh after hours emergency number- the lady was not at all helpful. When she found out what state I was in she said she needed to either stay and talk with me or I needed to go to hospital. I dont wanna be in hospital and told her that. She seen on my file that I see my psych there and also have a case manager there, said that she would let them know that I called and said goodbye. Again, it takes a lot to make that call. And I feel like I was just left hanging.

Every time I've ended up calling community mh after hours my psych has touched base with me the following day and since I just missed her yesterday afternoon too. Maybe she wasn't in today? My case manager too?

But after all the effort I've gone to to reach out for help feel like it's fallen on deafs ear. Feel let down. Maybe I should of called again today? But that takes effort... courage. And I don't feel like I have anymore.