My Mosaic

That really sux @Bow I’m so sorry but pleased that you’re in your own home with your d and where you can eat your own food.

Sitting with you 💜🦋💜

Oh @Bow I'm so sorry 😔

💔

good morning @Anastasia @Eve7 @Snowie @Emelia8 hope you are all ok.

trying to set myself a bit of a routine today otherwise I can see myself going down hill with this isolation. I've had breakfast this morning and been on the treadmill. And now just sitting on the exercise bike.

ive notified the ex of our self isolation and that he will not be able to see D for her birthday. I always expect the worse. He was ok. Even wants to be helpful. But I have a friend literally around the corner. NSW health also called this morning, confirming everything.

would love some ideas of how I could make D birthday next Tuesday extra special. She knew that she was going to her fathers and that he has presents, I haven't told her yet that she won't be able to go. She had a massive tantrum yesterday afternoon and lost her iPad for 3 days. It's always hard taking it off her cause it keeps her amused... but she needs to learn. She has so far this morning kept herself happy... she will be fine.

maybe I will do some painting while in isolation. Or the puzzle we got a couple of weeks. Or maybe I should get back into my study. I don't know. Need to keep myself busy though.

x

Well done for getting through this morning hon @Bow

I hope you are able to keep yourself amused this afternoon.

A routine always helps.

Lots of love and hugs 💗💗💗

Sounds good @Bow

💙

I chatted with my psych a bit today about ambivalence. How there are these 2 sides to me... both with my eating disorder and also with this self destructive side that wants to die.

I have this healthy side in regards to my eating disorder that wants to be well, knows and understands that what I do to myself is not good and then the other side of me that hates my body, still does everything despite knowing it actually does help.

And then the side that wants to live.... wants to be here for my daughter, knows what would happen if I was to be successful at an attempt. And then this side that doesn't care about anything, believes my daughter will be better with her father, that I am a terrible mother.

need to grow and strengthen the good. But it's hard tonight after a terrible difficult parenting night.

Hey @Bow, sounds like you and your psych are really getting stuck into things, looking at this internal conflict. I think what you're describing is called 'Parts Psychology' and I really like it as a concept because it allows us to see all the different sides of our inner world, and also understand that some of the ways we behave is due to certain parts having to do whatever they needed to protect us from trauma in the past. It also means that we can learn to be forgiving of those parts that seem to bring us harm, because they are only acting that way because it's what kept us safe in the past. I found an article about it here if you're curious (just found it on Google, hope it's helpful).

I'm hearing you, that you've had an especially trying day. Hope you are able to be kind to yourself tonight, here with you along the way

I so hate the post hospital visit appointments with my gp, especially when she hasn't received the discharge letter and I am left to explain to her what happened.

I spoke to her a few days prior and 'promised' that I would reach out before I did something to myself. She warned me against doing something to myself again as it's going to do more damage to my body. I hate having to explain why I didn't stick to my word. It's a promise that I don't think I'll ever be able to keep. I feel like I let her down every time and that she is getting sick of me.

I am such a screw up. I'm so annoyed with myself.

@Bow💗That sounds so unhelpful that your doctor hadn't received the discharge letter beforehand; it sounded like the whole appointment didn't leave you feeling well, particularly around not being able to keep that promise.

An idea that could help to reflect on, though: I wonder if some professionals expect something unrealistic when they ask the people they support to guarantee/promise their safety beyond the immediate future? At SANE, for instance, we'll never ask anyone to assure us of their safety beyond "for now."

If professionals expect people to somehow guarantee their safety for the coming days or weeks ahead, they might be expecting too much- and people are bound to not be able to meet those promises, because they're naturally pretty unrealistic! Food for thought

Take care 💐

Yes @Former-Member guess maybe that is why people have safety plans? They are all just empty promises to me. I had a call from lifelines aftercare program today, she always makes me go over my safety plan. But again, when I am determined to end it all, it's just a waste of time. I actually don't find a safety plan to be of any help much. I fear that one day it will happen...