I wish that I had someone that I could come home and unload on after appointments. I can't talk to my Mum. I have no one. And there is so much I can't talk about on here cause my stuff gets so heavily moderated, such is the life of someone with an ED. It's not fair.
I seen my dietician this afternoon. She is so kind. She was not disappointed in me, could appreciate how difficult things have been and that with no other coping tools and inconsistent psychological support, of course I am going to use unhealthy ways to cope.
I was really afraid that she was going to tell me that I had to quit exercising, especially cause I've picked back up another unhealthy coping tool, but she didn't. She understands that it's good for my mental health, it's not good that it's driven exercise, but at the moment she accepts that it's something I need to do to cope. I was also afraid that given the amount of exercise, she would increase my meal plan. She didn't. Thank goodness. I was anxious that she would be so disappointed in me picking back up that other unhealthy coping tool... she understands why I do it. And hopefully by addressing something else with the professor, maybe it will help that. Sorry I'm vague, can't say much, will get in trouble.
Even though my appointment went ok, I've walked away feeling really miserable. I hate this disorder. It's so lonely. I don't see it getting any better. I hate my body so much. I hate myself so much. I don't ever see myself coming to a point of being able to accept my body for what it is and thus meaning this horrible disorder will dictate the rest of my life. It is an intense battle inside my head every waking moment. Who would want to live a life like this?? I certainly don't.
