My Mosaic

Hey @Bow I am pleased you like your new Psych and hopefully she stick with you.

I always feel anxious going to appointments. I almost didn’t go in yesterday to see pdoc as I was in such a state. I don’t know why I get so anxious as it’s not as if she’s the dentist!

Well done for going in today. You should reward yourself for being such an overcomer.

I’ve been to the hairdresser and am feeling fresh again.

@Snowie I thing you do an awesome job as a cg. I wish I could support people the way you do.

💜💖💕💖💜

Thank you @Eve7 @Snowie @cloudcore

I really hope she sticks around too. I've been stressing about that all afternoon, that she will up and leave me too.

do you ever feel like you need to 'test' new people? I don't know if it is linked to being able to trust them?

ive had a shitty afternoon. Message from my ex that I haven't read yet, but it's sitting there. I want to cry. I am so tired of him ruining everything. I know I need to just get over it but I don't know how. I don't know how to let go of my fear. I don't know how to let go of what he did and how much he crushed my dreams. It's more the fears now though. I know he is messaging me about overnights again. I can see the first bit of the message.

I spoke about my fear of overnights with my new psychologist today. And that he is looking at them starting in the Christmas holidays and she noted that down so that she can be aware that that is a stressor for me.

I'm just don't know what to do whenever he messages me. It sets my anxiety off. I spiral quickly into a scary dark pit and I don't want to be here feeling all this anymore.

Hi @Bow,

If I was to offer some insight on 'testing' new people - I would say it is not an uncommon thing for folks with complex trauma history to do so. When so many significant relationships result in feelings of pain or even betrayal, it makes sense that the mind becomes suspicious and hesitant to trust new people. Learning to trust again is a process! But it's like any part of the healing journey - takes time & practice and can only be done one step at a time.

I think as well you can't be expected to be able to easily let go of your pain and fear when your ex is still in your life! I can imagine it to be really difficult to have to deal with this message, knowing that no matter what it is likely to bring up a lot of emotion for you. Take your time, and if it isn't something you can deal with tonight you can just leave it and focus on yourself for this evening.

Here with you. I hope you're getting some support, whatever form is best for you in this moment -even if it's support you are giving to yourself!

Yeah that's what it is eh @Jynx suspision and so much hesitant to trust yet again another psychologist. It's hard to let the walls down after being let down by so many people. I really wanted to ask my new psych if she hasn't any plans to leave anytime soon, but I didn't.

nearly every message from the ex is like reopening an old wound. I hate it. I hate him. But there isn't anything I can flipping do about it or him. I'm so tired of him. I will leave it on unread for the time being. I can't deal with it at the moment, got enough, already on the edge.

Mmm asking for reassurance can be tricky @Bow - sometimes it soothes our distress, sometimes it prolongs it. You could always bring that up with your psych if you felt comfortable - but I understand it is always tricky with new psychs cos you are still just getting to know each other!

I think that's wise, to put it down for now. I think sometimes we need to wait until we are regulated to tackle triggering situations like that! I'm signing off soon Bow but I am thinking of ya, hoping tomorrow is easier on you.

Hope you are finding something to distract or soothe the feelings for tonight

I'm having another shitty day. I'm emotionally done today. I just can't anymore.

ive tried lifeline and SCBS and I've had 2 calls from lifelines after care program that I was referred to when my time with the way back service came to an end recently.

Got asked if I need to be in hospital. I don't want to be there. But what other option have I got? This ongoing spiralling, I hate it. Does it ever get any better? Will it? I can't keep on going like this. It's not living. It's not a life I want.

I'm safe at the moment, just venting. Don't know what else I can do. I'm sorry.

hi @Bow

My pdoc asked me the same thing about hospital today, and I don't want to go in.

I am glad you reached out for help today, that just goes to show me how much strength you have within yourself.

Please keep venting if it helps sweetheart, and here with you 💜

@Snowie I just don't see it being helpful. Yeah it might keep me safe today. But what about next time? Can't keep living like this. 😩

I understand it is hard to live like this hon @Bow and it is hard to continue like this too.

Even if you don't see it, we do here. You are worth it and worth fighting for. No, it is not going to be easy every day, and we will have those days where we just want to give up, but in saying that there is a part of you that wants to keep fighting. That is the part we need to hold onto.

Hey @Bow,

I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling. I imagine it's really disheartening to not be able to find the support that might be effective for you in the moment. I'm also sorry that the supports you've accessed aren't things you've found effective at this time. It sounds like this may be something you may've experienced similarly in the past, and you've got through those times. So, I'm wondering if there's anything that you've done in those situations that you could do again now that might help?

Wishing you whatever strength and courage you may need to get through this and all the very best,

TideisTurning 🌸