My Mosaic

I think if your brother, or anyone had faced what you have faced @Bow they would be struggling just the same. Struggling is not selfishness.

So sad to say goodbye to kitties 😿 I hope you can foster some more soon! It's such a good thing you're doing for them, looking after them while they're so fragile and sending them off to their forever homes! A truly selfless thing to do 💜

When I not want to be here so intensely @Jynx and my brother receiving the news today that chemo is not working anymore, he has no choice in the matter. Struggled with the same thoughts when my step dad was dying.
it sucks. It’s shite

I wonder if you might be able to shed any light on something…. I’ve read/watched a couple of posts the last few days…. About how being stuck in survival mode can have such huge impact on our bodies. Focus. Extreme exhaustion. Resulting in changes in relationships, motivation. The few posts that I have seen they have all been in relationships to women in their 40’s and how general ongoing life stresses have us being stuck in survival mode…. Which is me…. But I’ve got other stressors that equal survival mode too.
I don’t know what I am trying to ask, I guess I am just so extremely frustrated and feeling hopelessly stuck in this body that is working in every way possible against me and I HATE it. I want the body I had maybe 2 yrs ago back.

sorry for the ramble

@Bow being stuck in survival-mode is definitely very taxing. I can imagine your frustration with your body is potentially something that compounds the issue too - adding layers of shame and frustration that contributes to constantly feeling unsafe. I think perhaps another factor is that our nervous systems tend towards the familiar - which is why it can also feel destabilising to experience good moods or why a sense of calm can almost feel threatening.

Re-familiarising the nervous system with feelings of safety and contentment can be really hard work, but it's not impossible.

You didn't choose to have mental health struggles any more than your brother chose to have cancer. The paths to recovery are just so immensely different, and it kinda makes sense that it's easy for you to look at the situation and feel a sense of guilt. But it's apples and oranges really, in all except the fact that you're both suffering, and both in your own ways, struggling with your own mortality.

Thank you for speaking at that @Jynx i really appreciate it. Guess I’m clutching at anything… I’m so frustrated and over everything. So many things feeling out of my control and I hate it. my body won’t do what I want it to and it grrrs me. And then that makes my si so much worse cause I know I could make it do that.

Said goodbye to the kittens this morning. I transported them in a crate and hand it over to the vet nurse out there and she took them out the back and came back out with an empty crate. Sad. They will be fine though. They are in good hands and they will be quickly ready for adoption to their forever homes.

I stopped off at savers on my way home. A big thrift store. It’s always nice to wander around there on my own, no one to nag that I’ve been there long enough. I got some books, a vase to put my Lego tulips in that I built yesterday and a cool vintage looking bag. I’m gonna fill it with craft supplies for hospital.

then my old SW came to visit- cause my SW isn’t in today. I didn’t asked, but I’m guessing my SW got bad news about her sister who had a stroke on Monday. They were to reduce the sedation yesterday to see if she awakes from the coma. My old SW did bring someone else with her, which was a bit annoying, but it was nice to see her. I was able to show her my arts and craft area and we chatted a bit. She asked all the old questions that she use to ask me. I’m really glad that she is back, and she said that she is more available now that she is team leader for just the one office.

mum is back tomorrow. Not sure what time yet, but I’m guessing late afternoon. It comes with mixed feelings. I guess a sigh of relief. I can collapse in a heap if necessary. Even though I’m not planning my hospital admission until the week of the 13th April, if absolute necessary I can go in at any time. Before she left it felt like such a long way away, and it still does feel a long way away… so close but so far…. when I am feeling like this all the time. Desperately hanging by a thread. I hope mum is still ok with me going in….. I was thinking that… with the bad news about my brother, I feel bad. Guilty. I should just get over it all, why can’t it be that easy???????

@Bow awww bye bye kitties 😿 Hope they get picked up by nice people 💜

I really hear how difficult things are at the moment hun - makes sense that time sorta feels... stretched, like things seem so far away.

It's good that having your mum back offers a bit more flexibility for you in managing your MH needs. Also glad you got to chat to your old SW!

I can imagine your mum would want you to get support and have you looked after just the same as wanting that for your brother. Who knows, it might be less stressful for her to know that you are safe and being looked after and getting support from professionals and stuff. Maybe worth chatting to her about it?

Take it slow tonight hun, step by step. Self-care and distractions maybe on the cards? 💜

Sending hugs @Bow 🫂 🤗 and lots of them.

🩵💙🩵

Thanks @Jynx

I don’t got many words right now.

I need to get myself up. I have sat on the couch in a stupid freeze for the last hr or so. Done nothing. Said nothing. Haven’t moved. D is downstairs. Terrible mum I am. I don’t k ow where that time went. Need to be able to go take my meds correctly. Urges. Temptation. My heads a fog

Thank you @Eve7 dear appreciate it