I've felt myself slipping the last few days. It's a week since I got out of hospital, the first few days I coped ok, but now not so much. I've been struggling with some intense ED thoughts, today it's been constant. Although the thoughts are there, I managed to stick to my meal plan all day. It's after eating that I regret it and wish that I had restricted and not eaten. I have such horrible stomach issues, so much bloated, nausea and stomach pains. My dietitian says it could take weeks, months or maybe not even fully recover from it. There are some meds that she suggested, which I need to discuss with my gp, but they apparently have their own risks. My concern is that if I don't get any relief from these stomach issues then I am scared that I will fall into a restricting cycle and spiral downwards again.
There are other ED behaviours that I have engaged back in, I caved last night, couldn't fight the urges any longer. It felt good. Almost instant relief. And another that I am fighting the urge cause I most certainly know that I will fall into a restricting cycle. Numbers have so much control. They scream their value and worth at me.
Ive struggled to fill my days this week. We have got into a routine with home schooling, I hate it though. It's not for me. And the way numbers are going in sydney, we ain't going to see an end to this lockdown any time soon. My D thankfully enjoys it and is eager to learn though, thats a plus I guess.
Im still trying to come to terms with my psych leaving. I'm still really annoyed. They can't get me into the new one for a few weeks so my current one will still see me if I want to. I said yes, given how I have struggled the last couple of days, so have an appointment next week, but am dreading it and want to cancel. Just don't want to waste an appointment when she will be leaving, don't see the point.
I feel overwhelmed with so many things going on in and around me. The short term community mh team would of met today and decided whether they would take me on, maybe I will hear early next week? I still need to email the professor, see if she will still see me for my ED. I find myself drifting down a dark path trying to get myself around everything. I'm tired. Exhausted really. I want to sleep. A long sleep. My body is tired. I've had moments of entertaining SI thoughts tonight. Just to escape the constant noise of my ED. The relentless monster inside my head.
