I went and got all wired up for my sleep study this afternoon. As I was reversing out of the car park I had a phone call from an unknown number, it’s usually comm mh or my gp. I answered it.
2 weeks ago when I seen my CM she said that they had 2 psychologists with availability for me. But they were both male. Anxiety immediately shot up. Internal alarm bells. I discussed with my CM whether there was the options to have a female as I just don’t know if I could work with a male. There’s just too much trauma to work through. She said that she didn’t know. And if I could go with a female she didn’t know when one would become available. I didn’t wanna have to end up back at the beginning of the waitlist if I say no to a male. She said that ideally they would do EMDR therapy and that wouldn’t involve much talking anyways. She said maybe I could at least meet one of them. But then we talked about maybe the timing wasn’t great with it right on a trauma anniversary and meeting someone new while feeling so vulnerable might not be great.
we didn’t really come to a decision though. And she didn’t say anything last week. And today she didn’t say anything this morning.
fast forward to this afternoon, that phone call was him. He told me who he was, mentioned the possibility of meeting but no commitment was needed. Like she could have at least warned me. She could have given me the heads up that he will call. Like she didn’t even discuss with me if I didn’t feel like this would work then I can wait for a female. Like all those questions I had 2 weeks ago have gone unanswered. I told him that I was on my way home and he asked if he could call me back. I agreed.
I got home and thank goodness my SW was still on shift, cause I gave her a call. I told her what happened, she already knew about the 2 males offered. I told her I felt thrown and frustrated that my CM didn’t let me know what was happening. Told my SW that maybe I could meet him but I’m really not sure. She was like 👍🏻 for at least giving him a try and to let her know when so she could make herself available before and after.
he calls, basically offers me a spot next Thursday, was give 2 different times, I took the 9am and to think about any therapy goals I might have. It felt like a locked and loaded thing. No mention again of not having to commit. And now I feel sick. Now my flight mode is kicking in. And I’m so freaking anxious.
I get EMDR is different. You don’t talk much about the trauma, but I still gotta feel comfortable. I still gotta trust this man. I still need to be vulnerable.
@Snowie @Eve7 @Jynx @tyme @AuntGlow
