My Mosaic

Thanks @tyme yeah that’s my bro in tas. My mum was planning to go down in March, not sure if she will go sooner now or not. He doesn’t seem to have any other symptoms? Just the left side weakness… he hasn’t been able to build his Lego! The dr will call him tomorrow to discuss it further. His 43- he had a brain tumor as a kid.

yes, there has been a lot of cancer in my family. On mums side. Both her parents passed from it. She is one of 6 and 4 of them have had cancer/ passed from it.

yeah stressful. I got a headache. I feel really bad. Selfish.

not really doing anything to look after myself. That is too hard. Simple decisions feel extremely challenging at the moment. Even remembering to breath, instead of holding my breath

I have an email typed up to send to you, is tonight an ok time? Or wait?

Hearing you @Bow . It feels so tense for you at the moment and your bro's ill-health doesn't help at all.

Yes, feel free to send the email whenever you want.

Please do what you can to look after yourself. I know it's hard, but we value you and want to see the best for you.

Not good news about your bro @Bow sending lots of love.

Morning @Bow

Sending some 💗💗hon

Wishing things were better for you

Oh my goodness @Bow,

I can't imagine how scary this must have been to learn... 😔

I will be sending prayers your brother's way. How is he today?

And most importantly, how are you? Please let us know what you need, okay? 💛

Really shouldn’t have got up this morning. Shouldn’t have bothered with my CM appointment. Just feeling like a heavy blob that can’t hardly string two words together.

SW sent me a few text messages asking if I wanted her to meet me there and then she just said she’ll meet me there for a quick catch up and chat.
decisions are hard. Words are hard.

Went to my appointment, struggled to get myself in there. Just stood staring out into space. Got myself in, didn’t even have words to check myself in, why am I even there?… SW turned up and talked at me for 15 mins. So rude of me, just nodding, yes or no. No words. Decisions hard. Dissociated.
went into appointment with CM and same all over again. It’s just rude to sit and stare and not talk. Wasting their time. But today is too hard. She said books are closed for outpatient ect. Not sure when they’ll open up again. So have to go inpatient. No guarantee hospital doc will agree to it even, no guarantee to leave either. But like I have to decide. But decisions are hard. It’s like information rarely stays long in my head and kinda like just slaps me in the face and hits the floor. Look at the pile of stuff at my feet and now what???

SW was waiting outside (argh, I just walked me to my car and be alone and silent, no more questions) She talked again, asked questions. I somehow strung brief words together and pulled my keys out. Hint enough?

I hate this time of the year. CM it would be good to see if having ECT at this time of the year shortened this depressive episode. Yeah I’m really depressed, don’t wanna be here, but what about all the ptsd stuff too? ECT doesn’t fix that? Maybe they just wanna contain me so I don’t act impulsively? Who knows.

Oh, Bow. It sounds like things are a lot for your body to hold right now (and understandably so). I think it's hard to connect and communicate when we are experiencing pain, fear, or overwhelm. It makes sense that you are feeling how you are. Words and decisions really are hard. @Bow 💛

I am curious to know what your plans for the rest of the day are? Maybe we can figure out a way to make them feel safe and meet you where you're at? Let me know your thoughts on this. 🥰

Threw myself into some art @AuntGlow but now just laying in bed. I’m so tired. Not sure what I need to do. How do I do this?

Hi @Snowie sorry I missed your reply

No need to be sorry @Bow

You've got enough to deal with