My Mosaic

I wish I could be more vulnerable and honest with the people that need to hear it.
I wish that someone could get inside my head and just hear and see what goes on so that I didn't have to put words to the chronic torment that plagues my mind.

I wish that just for a moment the battle inside would cease to exist and I would do more than just exist.

I'm so sorry @Bow.,

I hear you sweetheart. I am so sorry life is throwing you so many challenges.

I grew up in a family where things weren't spoken of. Its not at all healthy. I know I'm not family but I'll listen and I am here if you want to talk?

May I ask is your Mum proactive in helping you with setting up supports and getting the best available help that's out there or are you alone in that regard?

I understand how it would be awful not being in charge of your own medications. I am sorry this is the case. Your Mum's scared and loves you. Whilst it doesn't make it right, it's the reason she is doing what she is.

I'm on the other side where I'm in charge of my boys. It can be a love hate relationship for each of us at times.

Can you talk to your Mum about how it makes you feel to have no control?

Perhaps come up with a comprise?

It took a long time after my boys first s attempt to get to where we are now with his medications.

Our compromise here is that I pack a week's worth and he has access to them and administers them himself with no supervision. The remaining ones are hidden away from him.(This has been the case since the first s attempt)

At times since introducing this I have had times when his Si is high where I have taken this away and gone back to hiding them and handing them to him. He understands but it's awful for both of us. A reminder that it's a backwards step.

Right now where he's at I am aware I need to let go more and let him be in charge but I honestly don't know if I will ever feel comfortable leaving him to do it all himself. I know I will have to to but I'm sure I'll need therapy around coming to terms with it.

I don't know if hearing this is helpful @Bow , you can ignore or tell me to butt out. I'm letting you know you aren't alone and reminding you as sucky as the situation is your Mum is doing it because she doesn't want to lose you. 💕

Thanks @Anastasia

I'm close with my Mum, but we don't talk much about all of this. Would you even call us close then? We haven't ever really talked much about my mental health. Ever. Even 15+yrs ago when I struggled with it.

before I left in the ambulance this morning I apologised for being a complete stuff up again to her and she hugged me and said that she wished I would talk to her more. I wish I could. But I just don't. I don't know how. I think I am too scared. Too ashamed. And too concerned that I will just add more concern to her already heavy load that she carries.

it was the same years ago. I would never talk to her about it.

My Mum is not at all involved in any of my appointments. I just don't tell her much about them. She doesn't have any idea about half of the supports that I have in place. Doesn't know that I changed psychologist in February, doesn't know about the professor that I seen and will again seen in a couple of weeks. Doesn't know about the peer worker that I have. I just haven't told her. To me that all screams failure. I was too acute for my first psychologist so she gave up on me. She doesn't know about the professor who diagnosed me cause I am so ashamed of my ED and don't want her to step in and take over and try and control my eating and so much more. And the peer worker.. that I even need that much support. I'm just so ashamed about it all.

so really I have just put myself in this position where I am so very alone to manage it myself and I've gone to far and too long for it to be changed now. It's all just too late.

i will deal with the medication side of things. As I said to the dr at the hospital I don't really have a choice. Hopefully at some point she will trust me again.

Thank you for your response @Bow

I understand. To me is sounds like your Mum is there for you. Communicating is what sounds difficult, yes?

Due to your feelings around yourself, yes?

Oh sweetheart can I tell you that in my situation (and by the sound of it your Mum's) she wants to hear, be involved, help, walk with you.

What's the saying... A problem (for want of a better word) shared, is a problem halved.

Could you dig really deep and find the inner strength to open up, warts and all @Bow ? It is hard to lay your thoughts and feelings down but it's the start to recovery.

I have to come back sorry...

Back again, sorry @Bow

I couldn't see your message silly phone...

You said you don't talk to her because it will add more concern to her already heavy load. Can I tell you I feel better knowing. Its a hard p1ll to swallow sometimes. It scares me some of the things my boy tells me but I'd rather know. Its when his headspace is all.ovwr the shop and he doesn't talk to me I worry the most. Does that make sense @Bow

I also hear that you don't want to tell her cause you don't want her taking over. I'm not sure how old you are @Bow but an adult, so I would hope that she would still respect your boundaries and not step in where you don't require her to.

I think if you were to talk to her this would be vital to communicate to her. She needs to understand boundaries.

I hope I haven't just rambled. I hope it may be just a small seed that you think about. You can't keep doing things on your own @Bow. Grab your Mum's support and run with it. Then down the track you can celebrate the wins along the way together.

Together I am sure you'll be a force to be reckoned with hun. You've got this, I believe in you. Now you just have to believe in yourself 🙂

your right @Anastasia my mum is there for me and communication is an issue for both of us. we are both terrible at communicating. we are both shy as well. we are both very similar to think of it. both would prefer to stay home and pretend the world doesnt exist. both of us arent big talkers. maybe i have learnt that from my mum. maybe it was force upon me. i remember when i was a kid, so many horrible things happened to me and i was told very to tell anyone, i was made to keep it a secret. i wasnt allowed to tell my mum the most horriblest things that had happened to me, i was allowed to tell her that my step dad had r*ped me, that my dads girlfriends kids use to experiment on me, i was made to keep it all a secret and i guess that is something that i have continued to do. and i know that i have people in place now, therapist that i can talk to about all of this, but even them, i find it hard to talk to them about it.

i get it that you prefer to know than not know. i do get that. and if it was me, id be the same i guess.

yes i am an adult, very much an adult. i guess ive lost alot of independence over the years. especially when we moved late last year when all of this was triggered. i lost my own space. i guess in keeping things to myself i feel more like an adult. there are things that i can manage on my own, even though its bloody hard. im not sure how we would go with boundaries to be honest. its a very complicated relationship. so many layers and things to consider.

and i guess one thing that worries me with opening up to her is that if i do open up, she then steps up to support... but then stops again. thats what happened last year. i was admitted to hospital rather unwell for a week from my ED. it was when it was first bought to everyones attention i guess. they all spoke with her before they would let me know, so she knew what was happening. she knew that i needed to keep eating when i got home, and she was on my back for the first few days but then she stopped and i was allowed to do whatever again and thats when i fell back into not eating again. so i guess i am scared that i will open up to her, let her in and then she wont be there anyways. and i guess i am scared that that will be because its just too much for her. she has been through so much and continues to deal with so much.

im sorry, i feel like i am just making excuses and maybe i am. i chatted with my dietitian about similar things a few weeks back. i went around and around about talking to my mum about things because my dietitian recognises that i need more support at home and i think we eventually came to the conclusion that telling mum was just too hard, so we talked about a safe friend. which i have found and have let in and have been telling more to. not fully and completely honest with, but i sent her a text while i sat outside the hospital crying waiting for my step dad to pick me up today.

it all just feel too hard. i honestly feel like i am wasting everyones time.

Hi @Bow

Sorry to hear that you have gone through so much today. That must have been extremely difficult both physically and mentally.

Am here for you hon 💜💜💜

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond @Bow my goodness it is no wonder you haven't communicated with your Mum. Gosh @Bow I am so sorry for all that you have endured. I really am 😔

You do have absolutely every reason to not communicate.

I'm glad you have a safe friend, you deserve that. I am also happy you have good supports in place too, you also deserve that. I think you are very brave in talking to your supports at all really given what you have been through. I'm sorry that all those years ago you were silenced, that @Bow is heartbreaking.

Can I just say I think you're pretty amazing 💕

@Bow I've just edited this as I re read your message and think I misunderstood initially.

Can I just leave you squishy hugs galore and again say how sorry I am and that you have not caused anything that is happening to you 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Yeah sorry if I didn't write that very clearly @Anastasia i was made to be silent by my many abusers. I wasn't allowed to tell my mum, they said so. I did eventually tell her about my step dad once he had passed away... and how she responded really scared me. And I get it, she was really angry at the man that she had loved. But still made me scared to tell her about anything else. Sorry if I confused you about that.

My safe friend has offered for me to go around there tomorrow. She said we are allowed visitors on compassionate grounds and she would consider this that. So I may go round there tomorrow.

ive had a shower and force a piece of toast down and hopefully will put myself to bed early. Thank you for listening @Anastasia I do appreciate it.

thank you also @Snowie