My Mosaic

D is mostly excited @Jynx she wants Friday off school so she can come with us to get the keys and start moving! She will have to move schools though 😢 but will hold off on that until the end of term (beginning of July).

I wish we could just go WHOOSH and all the moving and cleaning was done! There is just so much STUFF and we got no idea what our current RE is gonna be like with our exit report. It’s clean and we haven’t damaged anything, but there is so much stuff wrong with the place, repairs and maintenance.

@Bow aww bless hehe

Yeah moving schools is a big change!! Does she have some close friends she's gonna be super sad to separate from?

Don't forget - 'regular wear and tear' is expected and allowed - don't let em rake ya across the coals for ridiculous things like 'faded carpet' ya know?

Yeah she has a couple of close friends she has asked if she can add to kids messenger @Jynx

oh yeah wear and tear definitely. I intend to be pretty hard on them if they try and take any of our bond. All the crap they have put us through the last 5yrs refusing to do any work. And I’ve been told that you have your online bond ready to go so that as soon as you hand the keys over and walk out the door you hit claim bond. That way if you make the claim it’s harder for them to take any of it. So I re-gained access to my account today cause I accidentally locked it. So I’m ready to go!

just crawled into bed. Fresh sheets tonight! Stripped my bed this morning cause I’m gonna try sell it- took some pics. I have a king bed and I have the space for it now… but gonna be a squeeze in the new house. So will downsize to a queen. Will definitely miss my mattress!

anyways, you’ll be off soon! Enjoy the rest of ya night and I’ll probably catch ya tomorrow… might show ya what I did in arts and craft. 💜

@Bow That sounds perfect on a colder night like this. Neighbours and Home & Away were my go-to shows when I was a kid! They are very nostalgic for me. What did you like to watch when you were growing up?

I get this... it's a very familiar pattern to follow, isn't it? What happens when you try to connect with more compassion for yourself? Personally, my brain does everything it can to resist it. But I notice that when I lean into more understanding for myself it helps a lot. But at the same time, it can also feel really scary because my brain is like "Wait, hold on! This isn't what we do. We self-blame and shame in this house, thank you very much!" haha But my point is, this will all become easier over time. I know you are working on it, so it simply shall. ☺️💛

Knowing what you can and can't show up for and honouring it is a beautiful way to care for yourself. Showing up is enough, and the communication cards sound so helpful. If you would like to share, I would love to see what you come up with.

I am good, thank you for asking. I am trying to refocus on my own self-care at the moment too. So, lots of movement, nutritious food, sunshine, and rest.

That's SO SMART about the bond claim @Bow !!

How's ya day been?

Hi @Jynx ive had a pretty rotten day.

I did seem to sleep a little better last night- first night on an added medication. So that’s a plus.

but my head was in a really bad place as soon as my feet hit the ground. There is always bad body image words screaming inside my head, but forced myself to have a shower and they came spilling out loud and they were really not very nice.

told my SW I would try make the effort to come to art group today. Meant I had to put half decent clothes on. But I felt real gross in them. Them same words came spilling out loud again. Feel repulsed by how my body feels. Disgusting. Terrified of people looking at me. What will they think?

Sat in the corner at group. Did my own thing. No one really spoke to me. I sat alone by myself. No one spoke to me. But I seen eyes. I seen eyes looking.

had some time before I was due to see my CM, went to the shops. Needed new jeans. Well that was a real big f’ing mistake when already in the headspace I was in. Nothing felt right. Nothing sat right. And that bloody big mirrors that made all my fat and flaws stick out. Threw the clothes on the floor and got dressed and left.

went to comm mh and waited for my CM. Was 1/2hr early. Ya know I tell her some things… test the waters, see how she responds. Nah, no care or concern. So shut up. 🤐

now just back home on the couch

Fark you Bow, yucky disgusting blahhhhh useless pathetic junk

@Bow oh hun, sounds like you're really copping it today 🥺🥺

It can be soooo awful to feel such immensely dark feelings about the bodies we inhabit hey. I do have some ways that I have used to gently reassure myself in the past if you would like me to share?

If there're too many swirly thoughts that maybe need a-venting, it may not feel helpful just now so I thought I'd check in first 💜

I think it did help a little to get that out… but they are a very much still swirling around… but when are they not to be honest @Jynx ??

my body has changed a lot recently, all these dam meds. And they just keep adding more. I feel my body when I move. Like I notice how it feels and gets in the way, it’s bloody awful. Disgusting. I am so ashamed. I got plans. Wait til I move.

please do share. It might help?

oh… and my CM told me today that my psych probably won’t be in tomorrow. She’s been off sick all week. I cancelled the last 2 weeks… sick and meh… and then my psych is away for all of June.

When I was growing up feels like such a long time ago @AuntGlow ! Did have to have a good think about it, but I did watch a country practice and shows like the flying doctors and blue hellers? I loved morning cartoon shows, Agros connection? And there were some cool kids games shows around too. Oh the memories!

oh self compassion for little bow really doesn’t happen. It is very much a foreign concept. Something that I really struggle with and even more so today cause today has been a really rotten day.

I’ll grab a photo after dinner of my new communicate cards. I want to laminate them.

how has your day been?

@Bow I may not have had anywhere near the extent of your struggles with ED but I err... for lack of better phrasing, dabbled? in my early 20's. That body dysmorphia is vicious. Anything reinforced by popular media is. It's easier to cut a person out of one's life than it is to cut out a prevailing toxic social value.

Ramble ramble ramble is mainly to say - these thoughts aren't even really yours hun. The idea that your body is anything other than a miracle is purely the result of capitalism and advertising and it pains me that it causes you so much suffering.

So what helped me a lot was my journey with dancing - shifting my perspective from 'omg how does my dancing look' to 'ooh how does my dancing feel'... And then kinda carrying that on - thinking of my body not in terms of how it appears to others, but in terms of what it does for me. Every bit of it too! If I was feeling ick about my tummy pudge, I wouldn't try to tell myself I wasn't pudgey, cos I would not have believed it for a moment! But instead saying thanks to my legs for carrying me around all day. Or being grateful to my eyes for how they see the colours in the sunset. Or my hands for how they can warm the hands of my loved ones.

Slowly that also started extending to the squishy bits... like now I am able to give thanks to my tummy pudge for keeping me warmer in winter and being an extra soft spot for my partners to snuggle, hehehe.

I dunno if this is all familiar territory from like your group days and stuff but yeah, was there something your body did today that you could express some small gratitude for? Even just pulling itself out of bed can be considered an acomplishment for any person who has been stuck in survival mode as long as you have!!