My Mosaic

Yeah I’ve had a slow and lazy day @Jynx been a bit sniffly the last couple of days. Thought it was allergies from disturbing all the dust! But felt pretty lousy this morning and didn’t sleep well.

I packed one box of random junk in my room.

I cancelled my psych appointment, just didn’t feel up to it and didn’t wanna spread my germs.

I messaged my SW to let her know I wasn’t well and won’t be attending my appointment. She called me straight away and offered to come and pick me up and take me and I said no, I mean I’m not well, I’m sick. She then offered to come do a home visit and wear a mask, reminding me that I had said that I was needing one. I said ok.

she came, short visit, asked and talked all about our housing issues and not really about HOW I was doing. I had even mildly mentally prepared myself to talk deep. But no. Before I knew it she was reaching for the keys and getting ready to go.

disappointed yes

defeated yes

frustrated yes

useless yes

stupid yes

shes now not back until Monday.

I then spent from midday until now on the couch watching tv and scrolling rentals. My heart rate is currently 120

thats been my day.

@Bow I totally get why it would leave you feeling that way hun, cos it's like you alllllmost got what you had been putting so much energy into getting, but then it slipped out of reach. The frustration on top of the exhaustion is a lot!

Maybe tomorrow you can send her a message and let her know that either a) it wasn't enough time or b) she didn't get to the spot you needed her to be quick enough - which, would this be where you want her asking you the questions maybe? To speed things along, cut through to the important stuff rather than the more surface level check in?

Hope you're doing something nice for yourself tonight hun - even if you think you don't deserve it!

Nah I give up @Jynx shes away until Monday, she said she put me down for calls Fri-sun but I never do. I’m just over it. Should quit complaining about it. Just isn’t meant to be.

Just watching tv. Probably go to bed soon. Hope the universe just sucks me up.

thanks

@Bow I totally forgot to say, to do all of that tomorrow when you're not tired and overwhelmed by it all but like.... you do what feels right to you hun! Maybe it isn't meant to be, but maybe not, maybe it's an oppportunity for growth in disguise... but tonight is not for that to be answered methinks.

Hope you are able to get off to bed okay tonight hun 💜

I’ve only flown over Uluṟu @Bow @but that was pretty amazing.

Im sorry about the house but hopefully it means there’s a better one for you.

Oh @Eve7! That reminded me…. When I was there, it was totally a spare of the moment decision to take a helicopter ride over Uluru! I paid for my friend to come with me, and then her hubby and daughter went after us. It was so breathtaking!

I was flying to KL when the pilot came low enough to see Uluṟu and the Olga’s @Bow so it was random. Also saw the Grand Canyon the same way.

I hope today is better for you 💙

@Bow 💗💗

All this unknown and being in limbo really does feel horrible. Can feel anxiety rising in my body.

There’s an ache in my soul that nothing is ever going to heal. A darkness that no light can break. A weary soul that longs for rest yet knows thats far out of reach. A loneliness that no touch can mend.

blah I’m tired of this existence