My Mosaic

Hey @Jynx was wondering if you were around tonight. You ok?

Yeah that’s kinda what it’s feeling like at the moment. Feeling unseen. Unheard. And uncared for. Not a priority for anyone.

Hmmm I guess we don’t necessarily have a scale for how much support I am needing right now. I have my cards. I have one that says I’m not doing ok and I need you to check in on me more often.

I get she gets busy, they have other clients, but sometimes… often, I feel dismissed and very forgotten about. Is it like high functioning depression yeah? I can still get out when I need to. I can access the community sometimes, I might present ok and ‘appear ok’, but bloody oath inside I am a complete mess and falling to piece. If you don’t ask certain questions I’m not often going to willingly give up that information to you, especially when you have made me to feel like you don’t care and I don’t matter and that’s when I fall through the cracks and make decisions that have very permanent endings.

whys it gotta be so bloody hard? I’m so over having to fight for, explain and constantly be not getting what I need? It’s like a forever battle. Never ending.

@Bow chugging along 😉

I do love the cards, no doubt no doubt - just wondering, is what you need 'more check ins' or do you need something more like 'a space to feel held while I process some stuff'?

The fact is, it feels this way because it is really unfair! You shouldn't have to push to get your support needs met, and she shouldn't have to act like a triage nurse juggling people's crises.

Hmm... do you know what those specific questions are? Perhaps a card that says 'I need you to ask me The Questions' could help, then she will know to check in very specifically and give you plenty more opportunities to talk about what you actually need in that moment.

And if you need it to feel like she cares, tell her that, and tell her what helps you to feel cared for anyway, in those moments where maybe she does have to prioritise something or someone else. Is it reassurance? A commitment to a phone call? A set of affirmations to take home?

Obvs all of this depends on her collaboration too but idk, if it makes her job easier, can't see why she wouldn't be down!

Hmm yep I could make a card with something like that @Jynx and the card that says to check in with the sliding scales is pretty much asking the questions… sh… si…. risk factors.

I don’t know anymore @Jynx this all just feels like an ongoing issue for me. It makes me feel too freaking needy. A drama queen. But people keep changing and I gotta start all over again.

and now I feel even worse. Just looked on realestates.com and seen this house we have been waiting for for days and it’s had a price reduction. So what does that mean for our application?????? Why do people not even have the decency to let people know???? And you know immediately what happens? My first thought. The spiral deepens. It’s enough to push me over the edge. I just wanna go to bed where I am alone. In the dark so no one can watch me, no one can see what I do. Do they not realise how much they mess with peoples lives. How their lack of decency and communication can push people over the edge of s

@Bow Well I will be nice and direct and ask you now hun, you sitting with high SI or SH urges? Out of 10?

What do you think will help you to stay safe tonight? 💜

Yep pretty high tonight @Jynx

@Bow I know it can be super scary and overwhelming hun. You at a number where a crisis line might be the way to go? Or you in more that limbo space where you're not sure what you need?

Probably more the first, but I think the distress of waiting and the higher probability of getting someone useless makes me not even want to bother @Jynx

@Bow aye that systemic trauma is a kicker eh? Guess you need to weigh those options up - what will be the least likely to cause the least distress and harm.

What about giving CMH a buzz?

Just took my meds and crawled into bed @Jynx think that’s the best option don’t know how safe that is but will see how I go

@Bow it has kept you safe many times in the past hun, I have much faith in you 💜

Hope sleep finds you quickly, chat again next time 😊