My Mosaic

All I see out here is folks trying to protect me, and themselves, ain't no one needs to be blamed or shamed hey my friends?

@Bow @ArraDreaming

It can feel like 'stirring up trouble' Bow, but Arra is just viewing this situation from his perspective, where he put himself in my shoes and decided he wouldn't appreciate that kind of post.

That's fair!!

He didn't know that we've got enough rapport that you can tag me like that and not get distressed if I don't rock up right away.

And just so you know Arra it doesn't bother me to be tagged with just a question mark!! Besides, if ever there were an issue with how members are interacting with me, that's for me to sort out!!

Thanks to you both for caring, and I'm sorry that the wires got crossed and this got a bit messy. You can always touch base via email if you need, always happy to listen 💜

No longer feel safe so doesn’t matter @Ru-bee

@Jynx You around?

@Bow heyo!

Can I download a bit @Jynx ? If that’s ok?

Vent away @Bow!

I’ve had a big day… well a big day to me with lots of emotions and big feels. My SW was there for some of it but it mostly felt too trapped inside to be able to share much of it with her. She at least called me early this morning to make sure I was gonna show up.

i had my annual pelvic ultrasound. My SW helped advocate for me to ensure I had a female tech- very thankful. But it was still absolutely triggering for me and I dissociated for part of it. The tech said it was a quick scan but it felt like it went on forever. They really need to ask more questions for this type of scan, checking in around trauma and stuff. It makes me feel sick.
I then sat for a bit and waited to have my MRI. When I booked the mri my SW reminded me about my US and the receptionist asked if I wanted them done on the same day. I said sure. But I really should not of done that. Being trapped under that shield thingy for the MRI and then in that tunnel. It was not good. They give you headphones, no idea if they were meant to be noise canceling, but it was still VERY loud. After the previous scan I was not in a good place and being stuck and with all that noise…. nope. Very sensitive to all that noise and vibrations. Dissociated again. 20mins is a long time in that thing. And not good for the back either.
My SW was waiting for me outside once I was finished but I was too frazzled. Just needed to get outside for some air.
I made the decision to go to arts and craft. Office was full. Everyone doing all sorts of things. I was introduced to a new girl. ‘Oh your the artist!’ she said. Another regular girl said ‘your famous bow!’ Urgh. Not the attention I was wanting today. The new girl pulled her phone out and started showing me her artwork. I had no choice. She shoved it in my face. I found a quiet spot in the corner and just sat for a bit. I needed to ground a bit.
I then had an appointment with my CM. She was late. No one could find her. I updated her on all my appointments and tests. Moving etc. was kinda hoping she would ask about my psych appointment tomorrow and how I was feeling about it. But she didn’t 😩

home and I am bombarded with dozens of questions about keeping certain kitchen things. Mums deep in packing mode. I was trying to put all my piercings back in cause I had to remove them all for my mri and I can’t get some of them back in and it was making me all flustered. The house is all turned upside down with boxes and crates of stuff everywhere and we haven’t even got a new house yet so there it will stay! I absolutely hate clutter and disorder. If things are in their place and in order then it helps keep me calm and my insides a little more in order… at least that’s how it feels. Control maybe?

Urgh and tomorrow I see my psych. Who I don’t feel safe with still. I feel very unsettled still. My chest does not feel good

@Jynx so sorry it’s long

I invited a vent, and a vent you have provided @Bow no need to apologise for length, I knew what I was signing on for 😉

Yo, look at how much you survived today hun!! Geez, I can't sit still for even FIVE minutes, but lying in the freaky magnet tunnel and the giant cacophony machine and staying still for 20 whole minutes?? BRUH. No wonder you dissociated!!

You poor dear!! I can totally imagine how that would have made the sudden intensity of attention during arts n crafts EXTRA overwhelming.

Wanna chat appt prep? I got some questions brewing I think

Sure that might be helpful @Jynx

@Bow

So like, main thing right now is feeling unsafe, right? What if that's where you start? Like literally let your psych know that you're not gonna be able to make progress until you feel safe in the relationship again.

Maybe you could have a think about your therapeutic goals as well, and trace it back to like 'what would I want to accomplish in this session today that gets me one step closer'

Also, even tho your therapist doesn't like you writing stuff down, what about emotion cards or trigger cards?

Like rather than just floating along dissociated and getting nothing out of the appt, hold up a card that says 'dissociated' so your therapist maybe switches tact?