My Mosaic

Thank you @Anastasia ,

i feel in complete turmoil. Things between my sons ex partner, the mother of my granddaughter and I have come to a head and she is being very nasty and vindictive. My granddaughter is in hospital and my son is with her I feel all alone.

I am also so concerned about some people here

peri

Oh @Peri

that is a lot to be dealing with I am so sorry. Is your grandaughter ok?

sending you love x

Good afternoon @Anastasia @Bow @Peri @WIP and anyone else around.

Hoping your days are going ok.

Lots and lots of love and hugs to you all 🤗💕🤗

thanks @Snowie @Anastasia

i seen my dietitian this morning, confronting conversation about something that i have only recently admitted to people, i denied it for a long time. feeling overwhelmed. this weeks goal is to try some up and go if im not able to have lunch/ my second eating opportunity for the day. I have been having a chai every morning, apparently that is a good thing and to continue to try dinner. discussed another goal, to cut back on the use of something, but ive already failed with that today.

i came home and did some mini cakes for a church ladies event tomorrow, something that i use to love doing, enjoyed being creative with cake decorating, but now its a struggle. i ate cake today. i feel so guilty and gross and struggling with alot of demons in my head. i need to go and keep myself distracted.

my psychologists office also called a short time ago with a cancellation for tuesday. i think i need to discuss with her the possibility of having weekly appointments for a while, especially now that my gp has finally been able to write up and ed plan for me and i can access more visits. i also think it would be beneficial with my mostly weekly dietitican appointments.

my gp called the other day to check in with me, again she asked if i had thoughts to harm myself and again i couldnt be honest with her. so stupid. why?? my potassium is also low. below the normal range, but doesnt seem to be of concern yet. that messes with my head even more.

anyhow, sorry to complain. going to find something to keep me busy so i dont do anything more.

Hi @Bow

I am glad you seem to be getting more supports around you. Weekly appointments with your psychologist sounds like a great idea. I see my psychologist fortnightly now which is a lot better then monthly.

Please don't apologise hon, you have nothing to be sorry for. We all need to get it out of our heads at times.

Have you got much planned for the weekend?

my psychologist asked me at my last appointment if i was happy with the frequency of my appointments, i said yes. even though i felt like i needed weekly ones. i dont want to be needy. dont want to be that person. 😞

tomorrow i have a ladies church event. i help to organise womens events, so need to be up and ready to go early, drop d off at her fathers for the day and get myself to the hosts house to help with set up. im feeling extremely anxious about it. not sure what i will do for the rest of the day, try and do something while my daughter is out of the house. these school holidays have been nice to spend the time with her, but its been a challenge on me mentally. she drains me every day.

how was ECT for you today @Snowie ? is it your last one?

@Anastasia how are you doing today??

do either of you have much on this weekend??

sweetheart @Bow I feel for you I really do,

Well done for having the difficult conversation Bow, to get the right help they do need to understand. The fact that you are having a chai is great, go you!!! My boy has up n go's because he cant have meds on an empty tummy but doesn't want breakfast.

Goals are essential in moving forward Bow and It's really good that they are helping with them, but just don't try to conquer them all at once, all it will do is overwhelm you and then you won't tick them off and you will feel like you have failed...make sense?

Perhaps write them down Bow, put a realistic time frame next to each one...something to work towards, as you get closer you can see if more work is needed to achieve the goal, or if perhaps you need to extend the time fram a little to enable you to meet it.

Weekly appointments sound like a really good idea until such time as you feel in a better place. My boy has weekly appointments although he did miss a few weeks between when his psychologist was unavailable - I am sure that played a part in this admission.

Don't torment yourself for the cake Bow, it's done, put it behind you sweetheart. You are allowed to give yourself permission to move on from it.

You would be horrified if I told you what I ate today and I NEVER eat it, but sick and not able to fend for myself so not ideal but its done...moving on.

Don't be sorry for "complaining" Bow, we don't see it as that, it is good to get your thoughts out. I wish I could really help you, but I am hoping some of what I said might help?

Sending you love because you are worthy of that.

There are so many beautiful girls at the hospital when I visit my boy, more than boys, sad...change is needed. You've got this Bow, your beautiful little girl depends on it and a Mummy that she can look up to and follow in your footsteps. It will happen, its just going to take hard work and determination Bow but I believe you have everything it takes to make good things happen. Walking with you hunny xox

@Snowie

@Bow BE THAT PERSON - if it helps then grab it by the horns hunny xoxox

@Bow I can understand feeling needy about the frequency of the appointments but you need to do what is best for you.

I see my psychologist and psychiatrist every 2 weeks at the moment. Depending on how I am going depends on the frequency. If you feel like you need weekly ones then that is what you need. I am sure the psych wouldn't think you are being needy, you are just putting your mental health first.

I hope your church event goes well tomorrow and you get some time to yourself too. Perhaps you can do something for yourself whilst D is at her fathers house. Whether that be at home watching a movie or out and about doing something.

My ect went ok today. I have to check with my pdoc but think I have a week of and then start back up again the following week. Haven't got a lot on over the weekend, just probably staying at home doing some things around the house.

Have you got any plans for the weekend?

Thank you @Anastasia your thoughts and words are greatly appreciated.

I have a lot of shame linked to my Ed. We also briefly touched on that today. My dietitian asked to talk about what was going on for me when talking about my laxative abuse because I obviously became very upset. So much shame. Shame that this is where things are at. She said there is no shame with Ed's, it's how I cope with life at the moment. But I still feel it so deeply. I have not told anyone in irl of this constant battle that I face every day. My folks don't even know the extent at which this control my daily life. I hid it so well. I'm not even sure some people would believe me if I was to tell them the things I do. The things that I think about myself. It's so messy. So intense.

My first appointment with my dietitian, the goals were way too much. 3 meals, 3 snacks. I walked out and fell to pieces at how overwhelming it all felt. we scaled it way back then. Small goals feel more achievable. But some days none of it feels achievable at all. Some days the Ed voices in my head are so loud and destructive that I just don't see a way through. I spoke with the butterfly foundation this afternoon. They really get it. I can start a conversation with them and feel utterly stupid about the fight that I am having in my head and they just get it. Tonight I am really cold, I had a cup of soup for dinner and I feel horrible inside. I feel sick. I want to cry. It's hard.

I will get my home work done that my psychologist set for me last appointment. She asked me to write some of the difficult thoughts down that I have, the feelings and a few other things. I find writing a lot easier. But am apprehensive of being too honest, if people could see what's going on inside they will put me away, every day is a struggle at the moment. I come so close. I have been putting off taking my meds the last few nights cause I am scared. Si continues to be a constant. I'm tired of it. Fighting it is exhausting. Maybe if she sees some of this on paper she will insist on weekly appointments?

thank you again.