My Mosaic

Just crawled into bed and started crying and don’t even really know why @Jynx I know crying is totally okay. Just so many emotions.

I do try to use it as a motivation to eat more regularly. There is so many things that EDs can do to your body that has long term effects. And at the time, you really don’t care. It’s like whatever. Was sitting chatting to my SW worker, she is a little older, but not heaps I don’t think, but her hair is thinning a lot and I couldn’t help but not think of myself and how I desperately don’t want my hair to end up like hers. It really does make me sad. Hair can be such a huge part of who a person is.

you haven’t said that before… the top surgery. I’ve watched a lot of people on social media go through it. Totally understand it, can I ask why you’re keen to do it? Absolutely no judgment, I’m just heaps curious. You have really opened my eyes to a lot of these things and really changed my perspective.

I just wanna cover the greys. I put an auburn colour on it, just hides the greys and adds some highlights to my natural colour. Good ol box dye!

@Bow maybe it is just the result of said emotions!! You know my therapist said to me last week that often, we try to use self-soothing and regulation tools to try to stop ourselves from crying, when in actual fact our crying is our way of regulating!! Humans can't help but always want to ascribe meaning to everything, so it makes sense to feel like there has to be some direct cause but... sometimes we're just overwhelmed. It's not one event or one emotion, it's just all of the little stuff piling up and our bodies going 'eep, too much cortisol, EJECT'. So potentially that's where you're at! And so you're allowed to just sit with it without feeling like it's a 'problem that needs solving' or 'something wrong with you' or anything 😉

Yeah I think maybe that's one of the more insidious things about EDs, it's a lot harder to see the impacts until you're hit with those long-term effects, and they're so awful. I'm sorry they're things you have to deal with hun.

Oh sure!! Aww thanks for saying, and thanks for asking! Always glad to share knowledge and experiences 😁

Yeah so about 4 years or so ago, about a year after I came out and changed my name and stuff, I was reading along about transition options and stuff and it kinda dawned on me that I vehemently dislike having breasts. They're annoying for exercise, annoying for clothing, they hurt when my period is coming, and like... I have just NEVER found it nice when someone has err... paid attention to them in the bedroom.

I was also figuring out that I have what the community refers to as 'gender envy' - prior to realising I was trans, I was soooo confused about feeling.. not so much attracted but still... maybe fascinated is a better word? But yeah, fascinated, drawn to, admiring of, men's chests!! So what I once mistook for sexual attraction (that had me questioning if I might be pansexual) was in fact just me wishing I looked like that. As soon as I realised that I actually could look like that AND it would also get rid of the annoying, bulbous flesh bags from my body, I was ecstatic!! Haven't wavered on my decision since, I just gotta... organise myself. Eeep!

I best be making the goodnight rounds hey! I hope your arts n crafts goes swimmingly tomorrow hun, and yeah please ask if you wanna know more about top surgery and trans identity stuff!! Happy to share. Nighty night, sleep tight, don't let the xmas elf steal your soul in the night! 🤣💜

Good afternoon @Bow

Hoping today is going well for you

Sending lots of 💌💌

Hey @Snowie hon hoping your day is ok

Hey @Bow

Had gp appt. today.

Running 20 mins late. Was a very rushed appt.

How has your day been?

Feel asleep on you last night @Jynx ! Sorry. But I did end up having a good cry and I think it was what I needed. I can’t or don’t seem to cry much now days… I just feel I don’t know… numb in that sense. You know it’s a totally weird feeling when you have all these extreme overwhelming emotions, yet ya can’t cry.

Yep, lotsa health consequences for EDs which are really rough. A lot of them are really hard to try to avoid once you start a certain behavior too. Can’t really say a certain one, but I’ve tried to stop and my gut does not agree. Funny enough a lot of ED behaviour are gut related and it’s just all screwed up with no simple and easy fix! It’s like I’m not gonna do this and this anymore but my body is gonna take months and months or maybe not ever, to go back to normal! Fu@€!!

thank you for sharing, I didn’t know a lot of that. I find it all so interesting to read! No idea you changed your name, was your birth name a more… feminine name? Were your folks ok with it? I knew your pronouns are they/them right? But are you wanting to transition to male? Hope this is all ok to ask? 🫣 I totally get hating breast. I’ve never really liked having them. Like you, they get in the way, sports, exercise, clothes… and you know what in the marital bed I never enjoyed it. I dont know if that’s trauma related. But I could do without them, but not to the extent that I’d remove them. Plus, I nursed my D for nearly 4yrs and I loved every minute of that!
Would you testosterone?

I often have folks pop up on my TikTok fed who have just had top surgery or started on testosterone and I end up spending ages scrolling back through their videos to watch the process.

A lot of people who have a faith are so against all this stuff. That we should treat our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit and stuff. While I still have a faith of some kind, it’s changed a lot. I don’t really know what I believe anymore, I like definitely still believe in God, it’s just other things have changed. I’m just so much more accepting of who people are, who they want to be. Weirdly enough, a lot of that has come from my old pastors daughter who is gay and from you. You’re not wrong for who you are and who you need to be.

anyways rambling! Your cool Jynx and little bow loves ya!

Oh that’s rough @Snowie that your gps lateness made your appointment short! That’s not fair.

I had my bloods done this morning. My SW met me there but I was feeling very anxious about it today. I think I’m just a bit extra cautious about people touching me and invading my personal space at the moment. My SW actually called me and said she was on her way and that if I get there first to just go in and wait and she would come in. I did get their first and walked in, but did a very quick about turn cause I was very overcome with anxiety. I went and sat outside and waited for her.

I then had arts and craft. I went in a bit early to set up. I ran group by myself and packed up again by myself. I struggled just being there. I didn’t really have the capacity to do any of it, but I feel like it’s being forced upon me. These are the cards that I made today though…

Oh and here to elf from last night…

@Jynx

Glad you had your support worker there for your bloods @Bow Hopefully makes it a little easier.

Those cards look great hon.

Have they said what your arts and craft will be next week? I know you don't want to run every week.

I love the lego elf!!

@Bow aww glad you got to pass out nice n solid ay!! Big cry makes me sleepy too hehe.

Is it a sense where you actively want to or feel like, the physiological beginnings of it, but it never happens? Or it's more like 'huh... feels like this should make me cry' but there's no felt emotional response? Just curious, cos the former is potentially a sense of shame or one of your parts blocking the tears, whereas the latter is more the brain's attempt to protect by shutting everything down entirely. Either way, maybe a topic for therapy!

Mm the physical recovery aspect is also probably not talked about enough hey!! I can totally imagine how gargantuan and daunting it would feel. One of those times where I'd be tryna remind myself that the only way to walk a mile is one step at a time.

Yeah birth name was very femme! My mum was a bit upset at first, but I did show her this tumblr post I'd found that said something like, "Names are gifts. They're given to us, and just like gifts, we're allowed to put them down when they're no longer needed in our life" and she seemed to respond well to that.

So I am not keen on fully transitioning to male. I definitely spent some time contemplating it, but came to the conclusion that nonbinary makes more sense. I do wanna start testosterone but like, a super low dose because I only want minor changes, like a bit of a voice drop and redistribution of body fat, stuff like that. But I don't want a beard for instance!! Seems like it would be scratchy 😂

Haha well if they ever make removable boobs we'd be first in line!!

Yeah it's really sad just how much hate goes around. Honestly sometimes I think people like you and me are actually the sane ones 😅

Daww ya cutie!! Big love right back!! 💜

I went and seen my CM after group today too @Snowie got the letters I needed about my meds to travel. She asked what was going to happen to arts and craft while I’m gone…. I laughed and said I don’t know… and don’t care! That’s a them problem.

I’ll have to remember to take a photo of my next elf idea…. 🙂