I seen my CM today. The last time I seen her… and heard from her actually, she told me ‘you know what you need to do’. This was in relation to my ED. And yes I do know what I need to do, I need to eat, I need to drink. If it was that easy I wouldn’t be in this shitty situation.
This comment from my CM last fortnight really triggered me and sent me spiraling even more. My SI has been really difficult to manage and it has made my ED even louder and more controlling.
Well today, I sat there in that room and allowed her to say the exact same things to me. Just eat it screams. ‘You know what you need to do’. ‘I’ll leave it in your hands’. ‘You’ve had years of experience’.
I started to zone out. Didn’t wanna hear what she had to say anymore, but I was trapped in that room. I thought about escaping, running, but she was in between me and the door.
I’m angry. Disappointed.
Why do people not want to help? Is there even help for me? Does it exist? Am I not worthy of the help? Am I just in the too hard basket? They are all just sick of me existing. Sick of me causing drama. Sick of me being a burden on the system.
I told my CM that my SI has increased. She knows what I bought last week and then disposed of. I’ve done it a number of times and there is nothing stopping me at the moment from doing it again. But she doesn’t seem to care.
She ended my appointment by saying ‘this won’t effect you much, but until the middle of next year I’ll only be working part time here, I’ll be working mon, tues over at the youth team’. So basically don’t need me Mondays or Tuesday. I don’t even know when she works. I never know how or when to contact her. She works afternoons and weekends, so has days off. We booked an appointment for a fortnights time.
My SW has been the only one working the last 2 days, so has been on back to back supports. I’ve had a brief phone call each day. I don’t want to bother her. She is super busy. Group will probably be cancelled tomorrow. She probably won’t be able to come with me to my blood tests cause it’s not really a priority and then I have a home visit on Friday???
And group being cancelled yesterday, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands. I try to keep busy, but when my mood is so low, my thoughts are so bad, it’s hard to find the motivation to do things that would otherwise keep me busy. I’ve spent a lot of time in bed.
And now it’s nearly dinner time, which I dread. Mum will be down shortly and she will of course ask, what do you want for dinner? If only she knew how triggering that question is for me. I wish she would just cook whatever.
Anyways, sorry for rambling for so long. If you got this far, thanks.
