My Mosaic

@Bow couldn't have said it better than@tyme already has! I think that when we're super overwhelmed, stuck, or feeling very low, it's suuuuper easy to take the smallest of 'signs' and let our brains run away with the interpretations.

I ever tell you about the time I did this to like, the nth degree? I had been fighting with my bestie/housemate of the time, and we had called a little time out on the fight. Our other two housemates got home and the four of us were conversing in the kitchen - my bestie then turned to leave the room, but with the angle that she was standing, it seemed to me that she took MORE effort to turn like 210 degrees anticlockwise to exit the room, because turning clockwise 90 degrees would have meant she would have to look at my face. So of course I broke down, thinking she must have hated me SOOO much that she couldn't even allow her body to face me.

She prodded me about it after a while when I'd calmed a bit, and when I told her my thought process all she could do was laugh. She said she hadn't even given 'the way she left the room' a single thought, and that my anxiety was truly bonkers if it came up with this whole narrative about how 'turning this way instead of that way meant she hated me'. Big lesson for me that day! 😅

Our anxiety is just part of our survival system, and it works on assumptions. Maybe you could reflect on whether there's some assumptions your anxiety is making, and whether there may be other explanations?

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@Bow wrote:

Think everyone is just sick of me.

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I'm not sick of you - honestly

It’s all the accumulation and of weeks of shittiness @Jynx @tyme

Everyone is telling me I know what I need to do (re: eating disorder) that I just gotta eat. But need to look after myself. But I just can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. The issues around my body image will always be a barrier and yes I know that can change…. But that all takes times. And I am so fatigued and exhausted.

im still attending my schema group, and yes it’s helpful and interesting, but it’s not really helpful to the point to make breakthroughs. It’s slow moving. It’s hard work. Triggering. And we always have to take things so slow and take breaks because we are nothing triggered and dissociated.

psychology work is slow and I’m frustrated with it. We pretty much just going over what I’ve done in schema group. I don’t feel like I am free to bring anything else up.

haven’t seen my dietitian in months. My fault. Don’t see the point in wasting her time and my time and money when I never put into practice anythung she ways.

My CM really doesn’t do much. She sees me fortnightly. And just tells me I know what I need to do. Drink some up and go. Blah. Blah blah.

Now my SW is like what are we gonna do to get moving forward. I need to come up with things. Like what?????? Of course I know what I need to do…..

Just let me go.
that’s a big part of my ED. The SI. It’s increased them thoughts this past week. I’m just so over it all.

Sure sounds exhausting @Bow !

I hear you. Must be hard when people tell you to do things you already know, but if only they knew you weren't able to do those things!

I totally get what you mean about therapy being exhausting... I'm thinking back to my therapy days and it was as though I ran a marathon each time...

Please be kind to yourself.

Hey @Bow ,

How are you today?

Not so good @tyme I have been keeping myself busy, but have crashed now. My body can’t take anymore.

how’s your day?

Awww, hugs @Bow .

Please be gentle with yourself.

TW: ED Thoughts

As I said, I don't know enough about EDs as I'd like. I studied it years ago, so I don't want to get confused with the pervasive thoughts that can come with OCD etc.

TW ED talk

Oh yea for sure @tyme theres so many different parts to an ED, but yes, that is certainly part of it.

I definitely struggle with feeling unlovable for a number of reason; my body image is a big one, trauma related- like how can someone love me after what has happened to me.

and punishing myself too. If I do something that I consider stupid, I will often punish myself in ED ways. I find that my SH drops when my ED is crazy and I am punishing myself in that way. And of course punishment around intake and exercise. It can be a very vicious cycle when it comes to that.
It can be explained well but in schema therapy. Like your inner critic might be loud and say how stupid you were during that conversation and the ED overcontroller will step in and make you engage in an activity as a form of punishment. But you don’t do enough, so the critic might then call you lazy and weak and you can never do anything right. So the ED overcontroller will make you go further. And it just goes round and round.

Wow. It made so much sense! @Bow . Reminded me of my disordered eating days and BPD. So many similarities.

What you posted about the schemas is so relatable. I can see why schema work can be helpful.

Thanks for sharing.

I’ve kept myself busy all day. I’ve masked up all evening to be mum. But when I tuck her in and say goodnight and can finally put myself to be all the realness comes flooding over me.
I am so exhausted.
I feel so low and depressed.

i just want to cry.

i hate my life and existence.

the pdoc I’m under while mine is away wants to wean me off my prn. I’ve been taking one every night and I sleep so much better.

I just feel so misunderstood and unheard. I’ve been having a lot more SI. Feel myself sinking