My Mosaic

Thanks @Snowie i stayed in bed late today. Really didn’t wanna face today. But I’m up now.

how are you? I bet it’s great to be home?!

Sometimes bed is the best option @Bow

It was nice to sleep in my own bed last night. Also nice to wake up and have the kids here.

I feel better but my anxiety/worry is still high. I think everyone expects me to be 'better' now. Or maybe I think that. I do wish it would work like that. Yes it has helped and I can certainly see the difference from when I went in, but at the same time I am worried about a relapse.

I still have some ECT sessions as an outpatient to go.

Have you got any plans for today? Is D with you for the long weekend?

I think fear of a relapse is pretty common @Snowie especially when it’s happened before. Did they adjust your meds much in this admission?
my relapse has been very quick and steep this time. I lasted less than 2 weeks and things started to go downhill. My potassium is already low.

No plans really. We went out briefly yesterday so a day at home today. D is home with me. Currently laying on my spikey mat and listening to Taylor Swift

I do realise that the fear is normal @Bow and lots of others probably had the same worry. I just worry how much my admission affects my family, I don't want to go back in for their sake. But I guess I have to look at the fact that if I didn't go in then I would have been much worse off for them.

The pdoc in there did change some of my meds whilst I was in. It doesn't seem to have helped a lot but it hasn't made anything worse, so I guess that is a good thing. He was going to write to my normal pdoc to let him know what happened so hoping he does that.

A day at home sounds nice hon. Hopefully you can give yourself some self care. The spikey mat certainly sounds nice. I know how hard things are for you at the moment. It does make it hard when there is not much time between a relapse. It makes it feel like there has been no break at all.

Totally understand your fears hon @Snowie totally.
My admissions affect my family too and are such an Inconvenience to everyone. And I feel so bad and guilty. So yep, I get the fear. Do you usually have a good run for a while post admission?

Im terrified that I’m heading down that path again with my bloods bad again. I’m suppose to have my bloods done again in the morning. I really don’t want to though. If I avoid it then no one will know where my bloods are at. Hoping that my support worker isnt available in the morning to come with me and then I just won’t go.

I also have my gynae oncologist check up tomorrow. I’m dreading it too. They will ask to weigh me. Last time I asked not to be weighed. I was suppose to have an expensive ultrasound/ mri due to my history of endometriosis. But no one bulk bills them so I just haven’t had it done. I’m hoping that cause I haven’t had any endo symptoms in years that maybe they will go ahead with things without it.

do you have a busy week?

That guilt of being admitted and staying in there for weeks certainly takes a big impact on my mental health @Bow I feel like I have let them down. I do feel like I am an inconvenience to my family. They all have to adjust their lives because of me.

It seems to vary whether or not I have a good run. I still have more rounds of ECT to go however. They will do some every fortnight and then extend it to monthly. It just means I have to rely on hubby to drive me in and wait until I am finished. Relying on others certainly drives my guilt up.

So I guess I will see how I am after I have finished all my ECT sessions. I am looking forward to seeing my psych again this week. I haven't spoken to her since before I was admitted. I have a few more appointments, things I had to reschedule because of the admission. Hopefully it doesn't make the week too stressful.

It is hard when we feel like we are headed down that path again. I know getting your bloods done can be a major stress for you, but at the same time I know they can't help you in that way unless you have them done. Perhaps it can be something you can discuss with your SW. They are there to support you regardless of what you choose.

Can they weigh you but not tell you how much you weigh? I know it is hard for you to hear the results. Or can they treat you without having your weight recorded? It's good to hear that you haven't had any symptoms for a long time so hopefully it is just a straight forward appt.

Do you have much on this week?

Hey @Snowie @Bow ,

I'm just reading up on the past few posts.

@Bow , it's never ending, eh? Must be so hard. I read somewhere that there's a new treatment for endo? Do you know anything about it?

I relate to all those feelings of guilt @Snowie you have an amazing family though and they support you through it all. They love you.
Is there the option to just have ongoing monthly ECT as maintenance? I know it’ll mean having to rely on hubby, but if it keeps you well and avoid relapses?

oh I bet your looking forward to seeing your psych! I always find after an admission I have so much to unpack, download and debrief over.

there is that battle inside me over having bloods…. If I don’t have them then noone knows where things are at and I can avoid an admission…. It also has a big part of self destruction in it. Just let me get worse and worse. BUT then yes, I can’t get help if they don’t know what my levels are at. I think I’ve had this conversation with my SW before.

last time I had my gynae oncologist check up they didn’t weigh me. It’s at a cancer therapy centre, so a lot of cancer patients who are in the midst of it all and I guess they keep an eye on their weights. Not really necessary for me. But they do it every time. I said no last time. So maybe I’ll just say no again.
we have been planning for my hysterectomy…, that’s why I need to have these scans and stuff. Hopefully they can go ahead without it. Otherwise I don’t know what I’ll do.

hmm this week…. 2 appointments tomorrow. Arts and craft Tuesday. Psychologist and journaling Wednesday. SW doing a home visit Thursday and free Friday! Then I see my gp Saturday 😩 to update a care plan for my dietitian. I need to book a chest X-ray some time too.

Hey @tyme

I think I vaguely remember hearing something about new treatment options for endometriosis recently. I haven’t really had any symptoms for years though.

My gynae oncologist has been prepping to do a hysterectomy- part of my ovarian cancer treatment/ recurrence prevention. It was always on the cards once I’ve finished having kids. Real hard decision to make. I’ve always wanted more kids, something I’m constantly grieving. but I’m nearly 41 and highly doubt I’ll have anymore now. I’m OLD.

So part of the hysterectomy planning is making sure there is no endometriosis outside my pelvis. Cause it can spread and go elsewhere, especially around the bowels. If it has spread then they need another surgeon as well, other than a gynaecology.

but haven’t had symptoms for years so hopefully I can avoid expensive scans and just get it over with. 😩

I'll hold your hand through it. It doesn't sound pleasant. @Bow , but it's just one of those things that needs doing...

I'll be there for you.