My Mosaic

What a day already 😩

I eventually got to my new pdoc appointment. There was a lot of back and forth cause I was so anxious this morning. But I eventually went in and he was alright. He didn’t sit at the desk in front of the computer like others ones do. He obviously asked a lot of questions, but most were about current stuff, he said that he had just spoken with my psychologist so already had a lot of background info and didn’t wanna delve into trauma stuff. I was thankful for that. He said I am severely depressed… on top of the other things that I am currently dealing with. He has adjusted my meds a fair bit, but doesn’t wanna make changes to my antidepressants cause that needs some thought first. He has started me in a med at 4pm cause that is when I usually start to notice a significant crash…, now I just gotta remember to take it! I’ve only ever had morning and night meds.
His also going to look into accessing nutritional supplements at a cheaper price (hospital dietitians won’t give them to me cause I don’t see them as an outpatient) this is what frustrates me so much about ED treatment. There are options but they are so inaccessible.

Then we dashed to my gp appointment. I’m such a huge disappointment to her. I seen her 2 weeks ago and I was in such a better place then. I’ve done like a 180. My bloods are bad again. That was quick. But honestly no surprise. So back on supplements again for that. I’ve gotta get my CM to chase up my ED psychiatrist cause this is just going to continue to be a vicious cycle. Regular psychiatrist just don’t cover ED stuff. I’ve gotta have repeat bloods Monday, gotta book a chest X-ray to follow up my chest pains, got another gp appointment book to get a new treatment plan for my dietitian. And then my gp tried to address my SH which is out of control again.
And…. I lied so many dang times to all of them today. They all trust me. But I don’t trust myself. 😩😩😩

Wow @Bow you have been through so much already today. Hopefully your new pdoc works out for the best.

Around for a bit if you need some company hon.

Thanks @Snowie

I forgot to take my new 4pm med fu€! I think I’ll need to set an alarm.

just read that you had your last inpatient ect. That’s great and home tomorrow! Congrats on getting through this admission.

An alarm might be a good idea @Bow especially since it is a new med

Yes home tomorrow, so looking forward to spending some quality time with my kids. Am planning on taking them each on an outing of their choice.

@Bow, I saw this quote and thought of you.

"One day, you will tell people how you pulled yourself out of the ocean when you couldn't even swim. Don't you dare give up on yourself".

That sounds nice @Snowie do you feel that you have to ‘make it up’ to everyone after an admission? Dont answer if you don’t want to. I always have this immense guilt and have to treat my daughter etc.

thanks @Birdofparadise8 i like that quote.

just trying to calm myself down a little. Just got very overstimulated? Very irritated. Tv was on, fan is on which is loud, daughter was talking and mum was on the phone with my brother on speaker. I was not coping…. Other experience this?

That's okay @Bow

Mmm maybe, but not too bad.

I also how your new medication at 4pm will help.

Hey @Bow ,

I'm so sorry I missed your message last night...

Don't know how I did it! I was wondering whether you had replied.

Hope you had an okay day today.

It's been warm on my side, so this arvo, the kids jumped into the pool. I've just finished a meeting, but I'm here now 🙂

I have lots of guilt @Bow from being in here. I know it was needed but the guilt grows with each passing day. Yes I feel like I have to 'make it up' to them. I feel like i have to treat them. I am planning on spending a 'day out' with each of them to try and make up some of the time.

It's hard because they are old enough to understand why I am in here, especially since the hospital is solely a mental health hospital. I guess if they were younger then it might be a bit different.

I end up in tears after every phone call with them. I feel like i am missing out on so much with them and feel like such a bad mother.

I try and look at it like I am doing this for my family too, but the guilt still overrides everything.

That's hard. @Snowie .. yet at the same time, I reckon they love you for who you are.

As you know, you needed it. Things were so tough at the time.