My Mosaic

Thanks @Captain24 i really don’t wanna trigger you though. I’m really not ok.

If no one else is around I can listen @Bow. I’m already triggered so it doesn’t matter.

Here for you as well @Bow 💜

I’ll leave you in @Jynx ‘s hands if that’s ok?

Can I tell you about today @Jynx ?

Sure thing @Bow

If there's anything you're worried will be a bit triggering, just pop it behind a spoiler tag (click the three dots at right side of formatting toolbar to expand it, highlight the text you want to hide, then click the symbol of a triangle with an exclamation point inside).

That spoiler thing doesn’t work when accessing the forums via phone unfortunately @Jynx

but when my support worker called to check in this morning I asked if she had time to chat before groups this afternoon, and she did. I didn’t really know what I was gonna say, but was kinda thankful that she had the time.
told her that I was really not ok and that things are getting real bad. That my CM called last night and I told her I was ok and that I was frustrated and disappointed in her response.
I emphasised my thoughts are really dark and bad- my SW understands what that means and she asks me questions. Which I was not honest about again. Haven’t admitted to what I have.
We talked about hospital. I explained that there is that fight inside my head. That like my healthy self probably knows that’s where I need to be but that other part of me does not want hospital at all, that I just wanna be left alone to do what I wanna do.
My SW said that she can see me ending up in hospital again soon either for a MH admission or another medical admission. She expressed that she is concerned how things may end. Sigh.

I have an appointment to see my temp CM tomorrow morning. I asked if my SW was available to come with me and she is. I am terrified @Jynx my head has been screaming at me all afternoon. It won’t stop.

Ohhh rats, that is annoying @Bow - I might flag that as something that needs attention!!

Sounds to me that you've been doing your best to be open, even when your head is telling you not to be. Progress is still progress, and letting your SW know that things are in steep decline. I can really hear how much inner conflict you're experiencing, which is never easy to sit with.

I'm glad your SW can come with you to the appt. Do you think you could write some stuff down to take to the appt? About this internal conflict, and maybe the pros/cons of an admission, and like, a sliding scale of your SI or something?

I think it’s something that has been raised in the co-design @Jynx a few people have bought it up.

The inner conflict is pretty overwhelming. And has me very tempted to not show tomorrow.

Maybe I could write some stuff down for if I chose to show up tomorrow.
what do you mean with the sliding scale?

Oh good, glad it's been flagged somewhere @Bow

Mm can understand the temptation - the urge to hide is a very animalistic instinct, it can be incredibly strong. I know you can make it to the appt though - think of your D, of me and all the other forums fam, and let our strength be part of you, let it push you to do the thing your instincts are telling you not to do 💪

Hopefully writing stuff down could also help you to push through to making it to the appt - you know, cos you put the effort into writing it, and all that.

A sliding scale is like, on a scale of 1-10 how likely are you to do something. It can help to paint a more quantifiable picture, i.e. if you're pretty much always sitting with SI, then telling your supports that you've got SI might not ding on their radar as strongly as like, 'My SI is 10/10'.

Here's some prompts:

On a scale of 1-10, how likely are the following over the next week:

- Suicide plan

- Suicide plan with intent to follow through

- Self-harm

- Engaging in ED behaviours to higher degree than usual

- Refusing/unable to attend appts

- Unwilling/unable to reach out to supports if crisis arises

Etc.

It might seem a bit cold/clinical, but sometimes it can really drive the point home that you're not okay, and that stuff has gotten to a point where your regular levels of support/coping are insufficient.