My Mosaic

An appointment free day sounds good @Bow. I hope you and D can spend quality time just chilling.

@Bow it's okay to be scared hun. I know it's gonna be a big one for you. You wanna chat about stuff and help keep your mind of it all?

I wanna sit down tonight and write down some notes to give to my support worker tomorrow before my appointment @Jynx im hoping that she will have 15mins to spare before my appointment to chat with her. I will message her in the morning.
Then I am so scared that my pdoc is gonna make me go to hospital.
My CM dropped my meds off a little while ago and I wanted to chat with her… but when she was here I kinda just froze and nothing would come out. I was so annoyed with myself.

@Bow I can understand your fears hun. Worth expressing them to your pdoc too I think. Do you think an admission could be helpful for you at the moment?

It's hard when our survival system takes over hey. But you can't blame yourself for your body's instinctual reactions, because we don't always have control over how our bodies respond to stimuli that they consider a potential threat.

Sometimes all you can do is learn from it - for example what came to mind when I read that is that maybe you could find or make some communication cards for moments when you go into shut down. Stuff like "I am non-verbal but would like you to stay and help me ground myself" or something. There's apps and stuff too, mainly designed for autistic folk but useable by anyone who would find it helpful.

My healthy part recognises that I need one @Jynx or am very close to needing one. But I’m fighting it with everything else. Plus it’s the school holidays, it’s an inconvenient time for an admission.

School holidays are till end of Jan right @Bow? Maybe you could talk to your pdoc about a scheduled admission for some time in Feb. That way you spend time enjoying the last of the holidays with your D, knowing that this intervention is coming up as your safety net. It would also be your choice, giving you that sense of agency and choice and help you to feel in control of your recovery.

That would be ideal and so much better, except that my mum is heading back down to tassie mid feb @Jynx would she feel confident in going knowing that I have potentially just got out of hospital? Or would I even be out in time?? It truly sucks being a single parent with little support

Ahh dang @Bow bit of a spanner in the works ay. Potentially something worth discussing with your mum. All I can say on the matter is that your mental health is top priority, and the people who love you should understand that. Maybe working out something with your mum and your pdoc could help - could your mum come to the appt too?

Yeah that’s for sure @Jynx i truly don’t know what to do.
And gosh no, I’m not having mum come along to my appointment. She really has no idea. Urgh.
whys it gotta be so hard????

im sitting here writing a note to my support worker for tomorrow and I am so overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I want to throw up. I wanna disappear. Anything would be better than facing this