My Mosaic

I don’t have any thing to offer @Bow. But I’m sitting here with you.

@Bow sorry that things are so rough hun. I'm here with you as well 💜

Flicking you an email @Bow 💜

Hi @Bow

Hoping you are ok hon. Sending lots of love and hugs 💌💌

Hey @Bow thought I'd pop in and just see how you're travelling today! Hope you had a restful evening 💜

Heard those all so dreaded familiar words today ‘bloods are looking great’. What the hell??? How is that even possible? For them to go up with all that I am doing…. And feeling??? I feel so defeated. So invalidated. My gp said I could go to the hospital for a fluid top up, she encouraged me to do so. She’s also referred me onto a cardiologist to get my persistent chest pain looked at. I think his a private guy though, can’t afford that, so I won’t be able to go.

Then onto my psychologist appointment. I was kinda honest. I left out a few details and lied about a couple of things. She was concerned about a couple of things I said. And now I’m worried that when she passes the info onto the team they are gonna turn up here. Next week is this trauma anniversary that I am absolutely dreaded. They keep saying that I just need to get through that, get through that safely. I was so scared after telling her some of the stuff that I told her that she was going to suggested an admission until after next Tuesday. Thankfully that didn’t even come up.

I recognise that my increase in ED behaviours is partly protecting me from feeling the emotions of my trauma anniversary. But it’s also just the nature of this beast. But it’s so hard to focus on anything and process stuff when I am in the physical state that I am. A starved brain is pretty useless in therapy terms.

We practiced some paced breathing and I was sent on my way.

I bought more Lego after my session.

And @Jynx I am cooking mushroom risotto with some roast pumpkin for dinner.

Aww @Bow sounds like a rough morning. Did you get a chance to talk to your GP about the how getting positive results from your bloods tends to interact with your ED?

Oh that sucks, financial barriers are so awful (and immoral, in my opinion!). Is there a public/more affordable cardiologist you could seek out? Sounds like it could be worth having a look cos persistent chest pains is quite worrisome, not to mention horrible to endure.

Hmm when saying 'you need to get through that safely' was there any safety planning involved? What date is the anniversary hun, I can let the team know so we can also work with you on some plans to ensure you got plenty of support. And do you think ED stuff might subside once you're past the anniversary? Maybe right now the focus can just be on getting through the next hour/day/week and set to working on processing stuff once you're on the other side of it.

Yay more lego! What did you get?

Oh hey mushroom risotto twins! Had some of mine for brekky this morning, soooo yum. I splurged and bought some truffle oil, which is sooooo yummy paired with the mushrooms!

Yeah pretty rough morning @Jynx i woke up not feeling great too. Felt like I just got off a merry go round. Wooooo. Pretty lousy!

Nah, didn’t talk to her about. Not real sure how. Sometimes it’s difficult for her to…. Relate and understand. She is an amazingly caring gp. I am very thankful to have her, she is Sri Lankan… her English is fine, but sometimes there are barriers in understanding.
I did talk to her about my nausea. My dietitian suggested some anti- nausea meds. My CM said it would be fine and wouldn’t interact with my meds, but my gp was a flat out no. Sigh.

I did look into the cardiologist department at the hospital. I would imagine they take outpatient referrals. My gp emailed my referral straight through to the cardiologist. So I will give them a call I assume and see what they say. Otherwise I could look into the public hospital one. Probably a long wait though.

there was a little bit of safety planning. Evenings are the hardest. So trying to get into the habit of doing a lot of paced breathing early in the evening. Guess it was a bit hard when I wasn’t fully honest with her. The anniversary is Tuesday the 23rd.
Everyone keeps saying that my ED behaviours will settle once that has passed, but it won’t. I know it won’t. It will keep going. I’m on a downward spiral with no strength to stop or get off it. People also forget… or don’t know about what happened after that trauma. What I found out…. And then lost. There is still that to deal with. So yeah the assault trauma will be over, but not everything else.
Im just in a really bad place in general. Not confident at all about getting through it all cause I’m in such a bad state.

lego…. They just bought out a watering can with flowers coming out the top. It’s a 3 in 1 build. So you can build 2 other things too. Was just wandering around Kmart and wasn’t expecting to see the new releases there. I was a bit excited!

our risotto was pretty good. Just finished. I am very full now though. I cheated… we have a thermomix. They have an easy to follow recipe for the mushroom risotto and I just added the pumpkin. Risotto for breakfast eh??!! I’ve never tried truffle oil.